Bedroom wars: What women expect and what Kenyan men do

• What women expect of men and what men do in the bedroom are two different things
• Men’s actions especially after intimacy are a major of conflict between lovers and spouses

In the movies, lovers always peck and cuddle a bit before falling asleep in each other’s arms after sex. But in reality, men tend to fall into a pattern that women find so annoying.

Crazy Monday hit the streets of Nairobi and asked women to share some of their expectations and frustrations with men in the sack and just after intimacy.

The survey unearthed common frustrations among Kenyan women who accused the men of not being intimate enough and having a tendency to lose interest, or even black out, soon after the act.

Sleeping on the job

Take for instance the case of one Jacqueline, a hairdresser. She says she has dated a couple of men who had annoying habits, especially after intimacy.

Hear her: “There was this guy I dated a while back. Immediately he is done, he falls asleep and starts snoring like a tractor. Whenever I tried to cuddle him, he would roll over and sleep on his stomach and ignore me completely.”

She says everything was great and he always took her out for hot dates and bought gifts, but this after-sex habit pissed her off.

“When you talk to women, they will tell you. Most men are great lovers, but when it comes to handling matters after sex, they are absolutely terrible. There are those who start talking rubbish and carelessly just after the act. I recall this man I once dated who always seemed to be in a hurry to leave once he was done.

Poor intimacy etiquette

“He would hurriedly switch on his phone, as if he was missing out on some important deal. He would make a beeline for the washroom, pick up his stuff and come up with an excuse to leave. At times, he would start asking silly questions, like why I haven’t made my hair like this or that celebrity,” says Jacqueline.

As the adage goes, most men give love to get intimacy, while women give intimacy to get love. A certain Nancy, a grocer in Nairobi’s Kasarani estate, tickled this writer with her bedroom experiences with her husband. Apparently, she’s so used to it now that she can joke about it.

She says that her man cares less about her feelings and whether she gets satisfied or not, he never seems to be bothered. What’s more, he is a one-minute man!

“I am just there. I am used to him. At times, especially in the mornings, just after he has climaxed, he jumps out of bed and groans with satisfaction. Meanwhile, I will be there sweating and gasping for breath while he laments how late he is for work and starts barking orders, asking me to brush his shoes,” giggles Nancy.

What women want to hear

Immediately after intimacy, is when one of Rose’s ex-lovers discovers she has a pimple, rush or bruise on her face.

“What happened to your face? You need to get rid of these rashes,” he would say, before straying into boring topics like that have nothing to do with romance at all.

Rose, who is a journalist, laments, saying: “It’s high time men took intimacy seriously. At least Kenyan men should borrow a leaf from mzungus and make a habit of telling their women sweet nothings, such as how beautiful they are. This makes one feel special and appreciated. I have a friend who told me one of her exes who would roll out of bed and light a cigarette and start puffing away, leaving her there desperate for more.”

Men who don’t talk while at it

Rose and her friend are not alone. Beth, a city-based businesswoman says she has seen it all. Her current live-in boyfriend never talks throughout the act.

“The man never says a thing. Even when I try to romantically moan to rouse him into reciprocating and saying how he feels, he keeps mum. You would be forgiven for thinking he is deaf!” Beth says.

Beth adds that great intimacy can be ruined by poor etiquette that follows immediately after the act, because it makes a woman feel unappreciated, used and even wasted. When asked whether she expects men to say “thank you” after intimacy, she quickly agrees without realising that even women hardly express gratitude.

Beasts with no time for romance

“Some men are beasts. Even saying a simple ‘thank you’ is such a problem,” she hisses. She proceeds to tell this writer a story of her ex-lover who had no time for romance. She reveals that whenever the man was in the mood, he would not spare time to sweet-talk her.

“That dude was an animal. He would grab my tiny frame and fling me onto the bed or the sofa and before I could say anything, he would be all over me, kissing and undressing me. He would chuck my clean inner wear and throw them on his dirty floor.

“I recall losing my bra, only to get it weeks later, dirty and with cobwebs, under his bed. When he was done and satisfied, he never cared to find out if the feeling was mutual. The experience was disgusting. He would roll over and start watching the TV as if nothing had happened,” complains Beth.

Yelling orders, instructions

From many other women who talked to Crazy Monday, we gleaned that women hate men who yell orders and use ‘dirty’ words in the bedroom. Nothing excites women like men who listen to them, and ask questions for clarity.

Gentlemen, it seems that when asked to ‘slow down,’ ‘go faster’ or ‘go deeper,’ that is exactly what women want. It’s not about clumsily and ruthlessly going at it as if your life depends on it! Be gentle. And remember, half the time, it’s not about what you are saying, but how you say it. That’s what the women told us.

If you are uncomfortable with something, don’t yell or accuse or blame them. Say it gently, or better yet, offer an alternative.

Morning glory tips

“In the morning, we still need to be aroused before the ‘glory.’ Just because you woke up with a hard on doesn’t mean your woman is also ready for a leg over. Don’t just jump on her like a randy goat,” says Kate, a sales and marketing officer.

She says that women need compliments all the time. “Tell her she is cute, and that it feels great making love to her. Save us the guilt we always feel after allowing you to raid our cookie jar by at least talking after intimacy,” adds Kate.

Did I please him? Did he like it? Or I performed below par? Gosh, did I give it up too soon? What does he think about me? I wish I was wilder, seems he didn’t like it that much? Are some of the questions women apparently ask themselves when men keep quiet.

Heckled, taunted while at it

Women want men to always say something about their experience, it makes them feel great about themselves. Or so it seems. I mean, who doesn’t like their self-esteem boosted anyway? “It feels good when a man maintains good ‘hospitality’ after the act. Serving a cold drink is always great. We are always thirsty after quenching your other ‘thirst,’ so don’t wait for us to ask,” says Beth.

But on this matter, men are not ‘devils’ and women are not ‘angels’ as they are trying to make it look. Lucas, who sells movie DVDs, laments about a woman who always killed his morale in bed. He says the woman would at times taunt him while making love to her. Ladies, who does that?

Lucas reveals that the woman would ask belittling questions like, “So you are already tired and yet you have not even begun? Are you a man or a mouse?” Lucas says that he always did his best, but the woman’s sex appetite and mocking statements always killed his interest.

“Huh, some men! That’s it?” Lucas says she once asked after what he thought was a sterling performance. “There I was thinking I had given my best performance, only for her to blurt out, insinuating I had done zero work,” complains Lucas.

Blame it on hormones

Nathan Kazungu, a city-based therapist says all the blame should not be heaped on men. He argues that men are wired that way. He says, “Men’s hormones responsible for intimacy always go down immediately after sex. Immediately after, men want to be left alone in peace. Unfortunately, that’s when women become more aroused emotionally and want to be shown affection.”

He agrees that there are so many women who go through this and suffer in silence. “Few courageous women who ask their men about it never get responses because most men have no clue. Actually, the chemistry of a man’s body usually changes after orgasm. Their bodies release some biochemical prolactin which alters them, making them feel relieved and sleepy,” he explains.