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A friend called Ade (on a WhatsApp group) just got his annual one month leave and send The Group pictures of himself relaxing in Mtwapa.
Besides the usual humorous ‘hater’ ribbing along the lines of ‘ohhh! Muhindi alifurahi sana kuwa memba wa the gazette 44th tribe ukapewa leave after being #SevenYearsASlave’ (meaning the last leave wannabe worker Ade got was in 2010)! Ade came in for some serious teasing.
You see, Ade is this huge guy with a tummy so big and rounded he looks like some sort of a curved ship.
And him telling our WhatsApp group that he intended to use his two weeks in Mtwapa ‘swimming daily, kwa ocean, ndio nikienda shags the third week kabla ya kurudi Nairobi week four, even my mum won’t recognize me’ send the group into a frenzy of fun-making.
‘Ade,’ a group member pleaded, ‘ukijitumbukiza kwa bahari (if you submerge yourself in the sea), sharks will eat you imagining you are the ninety bob meat (from Mexico) Uhuru promised them when he was in Coast last week.’
Someone reminded wannabe swimmer Ade that the last time he dived into the Indian Ocean (in the December of 2004, while on Christmas holiday), there was a tsunami in Indonesia.
I came up with ‘Ade’s Law’ – a variation of the Archimedes’ Principle – which states that ‘whenever Ade’s body is partially or completely submerged in a large body of water, a tsunami will soon occur on the other end of said Body of Water.’
Seriously, though, it is now five months left on the calendar.
And all the wannabe Fitness Freak wannabes dropped out of the exercise routine six months, three weeks and three days ago – though you have gotta admire the no-hoper wannabes who ‘keep at it.’
The other morning after taking my six year old lass Chelsea to catch her Monday morning school bus (which arrives at some corner at five forty in the am), and on the way back in the pre-dawn dark, I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard a giant shadow huffing in the dark, then a large barrel growled and groaned past the road, like a runaway zombie from the film ‘Return of the Living Dead.’
Kumbe it was just a very large lady runner, whom I imagine thought she was on a morning jog but that wannabe hog was on a slog that can only be called a trundling momentum, like an out-of-control oil tanker in Saschkawan, complete with very odd sounds. But at least she was giving it her all (+ roll).
A five year old nephew was around the other day and retrieved a roller from the corner of my apartment. I bought that ‘thing’ when I moved (here) two and a half years ago, with the intent of ‘Bring Back Ab’ but here I am with my little paunch, and the roller at rest like a tombstone in a cemetery.
We now work an average forty nine hours a week in the modern day office.
Most of those hours are spent passively sitting in front of a computer screen. Then the wannabe worker sits for two hours in traffic on her way home to ‘go and relax on the couch as I catch up with (KTN) TV.’
Her male counterpart wannabe, especially now that it’s end month, may go to perch himself on a bar stool at the local as he fills his belly with beer, and ‘mezas’ meat as he mezeas the in-coming damsels.
This is the definition of the modern Nairobian Sedentary Lifestyle, where wannabes behave like immobile potted plants (no wonder they assume the shape of cactuses); but it does have consequences.
The sedentary lifestyle can contribute to a whole ‘C’ list of serious conditions – from cardiovascular issues, coronary episodes (heart issues), cholesterol and even cancer.
Being sedentary can lead to anxiety, and of course obesity. It is the fourth leading risk factor of mortality in the world at 5 percent.
Because we are going into August, and every wannabe needs some statistics to cheer them up (and also because you’re curious), the other three are high-blood sugar (that contributes to one of every seventeen world deaths), tobacco use (at one of ten) and high blood pressure that will contribute to one of every eight deaths on the planet. And what are the chances of you dying in a tsunami?
One in half a million. In short, you have higher chances of being struck by lightning – or getting hit by a random asteroid from the sky.
