CCTV won’t catch thieves in my village

First, we have to get something very clear. In my village all the thieves are known. We know those who steal chicken, those who steal cows, those who steal from farms and those who steal bicycles.

But we never get them arrested.  On the odd occasion when we do, we bribe cops to release them because they are our own.

So we have a whole bunch of hoodlums stealing and impregnating people’s wives while the village prays that they will one day visit Nairobi and get shot by police.

Educated thieves

I have been a victim of village theft so many times I have long lost count. Last week was no exception.

I arrived in the village, was fleeced at the bus stop by the usual hangers-on and arrived home to a hero’s welcome from my small sisters.

A chicken was murdered in my honour and after all ‘protocols had been observed’, I retired to my simba, only to discover that the louts had broken my lock, ripped up my door and crept off into the dark with all my mattresses.

Being highly educated thieves, they scrawled a message on the door to the effect that “mataona cha mtama kuni huku leo (sic).” They were right!

That was the third set of mattresses that they have pinched from me. Naturally, being a cynical Kenyan, I have never bothered to report to the police and I’m not waiting for CCTV cameras to catch them.

Something small

I am merely waiting for an enraged victim to bewitch the scoundrels.

That’s how we do it down here. And if President Uhuru wants to save the Sh15 billion he is splashing on gizmos to catch thieves and terrorists, let him ‘tweet’ me so we talk like men over something small.