4 ridiculous ways to please your Luhya girlfriend

Having been brought up in rural Western Kenya, I have grown to be one sage individual in matters concerning Luhya women. I know them in and out (no pun intended).

When am talking of a ‘Luhya woman’ in this context am not talking of these hybrid dolls who look like they took a swim in Lake Makeup. Someone (not me) said they acquire an American accent after queuing at KFC for 30 minutes.

Making her a meal of obusuma with liseveve (pumpkin leaves) would normally make her smile till you see the molars at the back of her mouth. But since it is the month of love, you have to give her something special. Here are 4 things you can do for your Luhya kalfrend:

Make her some bwoba( mushroom).

Nothing screams love louder than bwoba for a Luhya woman.

At the beginning of the rainy season vegetable vendors in rural Western Kenya experience ‘dry spells’. This is because the earth usually brings forth a bounty of mushrooms.

A serving of bwoba coupled with obusuma made from maize ground at the smoke-spewing diesel mill is enough to earn you the title of ‘most romandik man’.

Not staying in Western Kenya is no excuse for not being able to access mushroom. You can purchase them at a store ‘near’ you.

DISCLAIMER: Just make sure you are present while she’s taking the meal for moderation purposes. She could eat her way to the grave.

Bullfighting

Don’t take her bungee jumping. There is a way cheaper option guaranteed to give her a better adrenaline rush, bullfighting.

What better way to display your love than taking her to watch two buffaloes… sorry…bulls (with molasses-filled abomasum and high on ‘holy grass’) face off?

Why do you think Khalwale has to be upcountry every Saturday morning?

Tsiswa (kumbekumbe)

Also known as white ants, they are a delicacy among the Luhya and Acholi.  They are proteins on wings- yes they do fly.  They are usually coaxed from their hideouts by covering the exit holes with a blanket or particular leaves.

After collecting the tsiswa, place them on a cooking pan. Add a few drops of vegetable oil and salt then occasionally stir until they turn golden brown.

Served with a mound of ugali¸it is a meal fit for your Luhya queen.

When picking the white ants, beware of mache (wingless ants) which guard the anthills. A bite on the bottom by one of these wicked cratomastotermitidae would be a stark reminder of your cane-wielding primary school Maths teacher

Dancing to the Isukuti (traditional drums).

Forget about taking her jamming to Jackie Edwards’ Sexy Sandy (or Sexy Shitote for this case). Make calls to your local contacts and inquire at which event the isukuti will be played. It could be a wedding or a funeral, doesn’t matter.  Arm yourself with a 5 Litre jerry can of busaa (local brew). Hire the services of a bodaboda rider and go to where the isukuti dance will be held.

If you know her as having two left feet, believe me, your perception will change. A racket caused by a charging elephant is nothing compared to her stamping of feet coupled with ululations and rigorous shaking of the shoulders. This is topped off by the lipala dance (ask a Luhya pal for demonstration).

Remember to take the bodaboda operator’s phone number since there’s no way you are walking out of there after drinking the busaa.

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Ati mat za Mwiki Sacco zimechapa hadi ikipita kwa pothole watu wanashuka ku rearrange viti…SMH