Kamiti is the place to be in January

In just two weeks, December will give way, and January will stroll in casually like the mean, tough outlaw in an old Wild West flick.

Like the vague, distant rumble of impending diarrhoea, we know it is on its way but there is nothing we can do to stop ourselves from wading home. Other than the tenderpreneurs who are still in business, we will all be stone broke, without the vaguest recollection about what befell the school fees loan.

The landlord, who also squandered his December rent collection in bars, will be on your case. In school, the principal will be demanding for fees in full, never mind that he is all too aware no one, including himself, has a dime to spare. What is maddening is that he will insist on sending your children home yet he knows that the only reason you want your kids in school is because you can’t afford them.

Amusingly, pastors, who should know better because they have a direct line to heaven, will be insisting that you pay tithe - and small time hoodlums will be hanging around waiting to pounce, yet they know no one has anything worth stealing.

And to compound matters, the heat will be suffocating, to the point that when you see a cold soda advert, your mouth drips with saliva.   

The only folks who won’t notice or care are the poor because they never have money anyway. These and the brethren in Kamiti. I dare say people with court cases who mistakenly wasted cash on bond might just appear at gates of the mighty prison and tell the guards, “We need to talk.”

All is not lost. There are two key tricks that will help you survive the month without losing the fat you worked too hard to pile up over Christmas.

Number one: In the course of this month, don’t watch news. Turn off your TV, throw the remote into the dustbin and completely ban watching of news or Mexican soaps in your house. Why, you ask?

My friend, not everyone is broke like you. When you’re nursing your empty pockets and cursing the month of January, there are folks out there who have dough enough to feed your entire clan tucked under their pillows. You’ll watch them on TV in the first week of January donating millions to harambees while you’re there chewing sukumawiki and roasted corn with your family for supper.

Experts warn that this is a leading cause of stroke among married men because your wife starts mumbling rather loudly that had she known, she would have eloped with the butcher instead of some good for nothing university graduate. Don’t kill yourself. Shut that damn TV.

Number two, zima simu. It’s not just about bundles, which you can’t afford, growing legs. With phone off, you avoid social media. That way those annoying people who are so good at planning and budgeting that they go holidaying on January 15 – and post photos to prove it – won’t piss you off.

Equally, with phone off, those you owe money won’t be able to reach you, and neither will you be tempted to text friends begging for a small loan.

And don’t you be too hard on yourself. Remember there are people with hundreds of millions of shillings, but they too will be broke as hell because Noordin Haji has frozen their accounts for one reason or other. Unlike you, they have pricey lawyers to pay and air of dread hanging over their heads they can’t even kiss their spouses. 

Whatever you do, however, do not have sex in April. That sort of idiocy is what will bring a bundle of joy wailing hungrily in your house in January 2020. Stay warned!     

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