Uncles. Every family has them. They are the ones who take you to ruracio for bride price negotiations after narrowing down a suitable nagger and bed mate.
The uncles on the paternal side of the family are normally harsh, prominent, domineering, omnipresent and decide on which spot of ancestral land you will be buried.
Paternal uncles are loud, have endless stories about the family tree both fact and fiction and carries the bulk of family misfits who have splashed from the shallow end of the genetic pool.
The uncles on the maternal side are retiring, fatherly, most out of the picture unless a niece has been chased by a husband who had not paid the bride price and has come demanding her back. Unless when they make wazees from the paternal side sweat during bride price haggles, uncles from the maternal side are not usually loudmouths and carry fewer family misfits.
While there is Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Women’s Day and even World Toilet Day, no one remembers your parent’s brothers. There is no Uncle’s Day to celebrate them as father’s figures to the many single mothers dotting our fatherland.
There is no Uncle’s Day to celebrate the men who became godfathers to the many nephews who grow to resemble the same uncles after whom the family tree is rooted. There is no Uncle’s Day to mark the men from whom a family function is not complete without their inebriated presence as they burn their fingers roasting meat by the grill.
But, nevertheless, you will recognize several uncles from the characters we celebrate below…
The Lost Uncle
Every family has that uncle who went abroad for further studies in 1980 never to return. Even some who went to Mombasa to become beach boys are yet to be seen since boarding Malindi Bus when it existed when Big G was Sh2.
Once in five years, a relative will says he met this breed of uncle at the Likoni ferry and that he looked happy and healthy having changed religions and even exchanged numbers-which never goes through, and when it rings, is picked by a woman speaking Kiswahili cha Amu. No one knows where this uncle lives and whether he has a family in the 30 years he has been away from home. The Lost Uncle eventually comes home- in a coffin.
The Harsh Uncle
He coughs, everyone freezes. His daughter will get pregnant, deliver a baby, but no one will tell him, not even his wife who fears him, and his daughters (the ones who are not yet pregnant) can’t wait to finish school and flee from home. His sons finish school and follow the sisters in exile. They will call their mother but never call the tyrant. When your wife threatens to engage the Harsh Uncle over your swiftness of slaps to her face, you apologize profusely foaming at the mouth.
The Con Uncle
This is the whisky gulping, Mercedes driving uncle who calls himself a contractor but has no office and his car boot is full of tender documents. He might call urgently requesting for Sh50, 000 but this shameless blood relation will never pick your calls and when you meet he has selective memory regarding the soft loan.
Instead, he will order for drinks, kuku choma, pork panfry and ask you to call over your friends and not a few slay queens but later disappears after stepping out to pick imaginary calls from Ministry of Lands.
His car won’t be at the parking and you will be left with a Sh27, 000 bill, plus the four bottles of Guinness he had told the pretty waitress to drink. This uncle will kill an unknown relative and demand money to attend the funeral on behalf of the family.
The Greedy Uncle
Mostly your late father’s brother out to separate you and from rightful inheritance. He will be busy digging and planting yams ten metres into your farm while his own shamba is chocking with weeds as he hasn’t planted anything there since Uhuru was running barefoot in Ichaweri.
He forcefully inherited your father’s moth-eaten suits, shoes and other mobile valuables even his bifocals and not forgetting driving out in father’s battered Datsun as your mother grieved.
He is the reason your mother left shags for Nairobi 21 years ago. His greed never seems to take him anywhere as his kids all dropped out of school, and his wife appears like the ghost of Alice Lakwena!
The Rich Uncle
He works for a multinational with 54 offices worldwide and is always in San Francisco or Nagasaki. Spending more time on air than earth, this loaded uncle has no qualms sending dough for the family functions he will miss and which normally exceeds your M-Pesa limit. He still has his Kencell line and all MPesa messages are sent from his secretary’s phone. He is forgiven for missing funerals, after all, he bought the coffin, paid outside caterers and cleared hospital bills.
But there is a variation of the rich, but stingy uncle.
He never offers to pay much and in case of a harambee for hospital, mortuary or education bill he sends a standard Sh500 “from Mrs and Mrs Theuri.” He is the type who will attend for a funeral, but if you want to hike a lift to Nairobi, he will extract the Sh1, 500 you would have spent on bus flight.
The Drunkard Uncle
This is the certified family drunkard. He wears baggy suits bought when he earned a good salary at Kenya Posta. Even when fully suited in a flaming red Kanu tie, he must sport his seng’enge ni ng’ombe yellow cap that’s thread bare at the tip. He fidgets through family functions, squirming in wonder of when the talking heads will be done for him to go cut a drop. Never mind he smells of last night’s demon drink aggravated by cigarette smoke. He often gets drunk too early at family gatherings, and by the time food is served, he’s too drunk to eat as he drools, his head hanging from one side of a wooden seat. The Drunk Uncle often appoints himself transport manager during most weddings but sleeps in a ditch the previous night messing up schedules. But the Drunkard Uncle is often times also the funniest in the family despite inter-denominational prayers failing to separate him from the bottle.
The Senior Bachelor Uncle
He has never married despite his younger brothers having grown up children. There has never been a rumour of any woman having claimed that he needs a DNA test to prove paternity over which he’s responsible. Pesky aunties long lost the battle of teasing him about his singlehood yet he’s not a monk, priest or celibate. The Bachelor Uncle can either be the family’s bottom drawer or some top crust professor teaching “quantum mechanics” at the university where he delivered his Inaugural Lecture aired to much acclaim on local television. He has connections for tenders and jobs as well.
The Jailbird Uncle
He has spent more time behind bars than Kenya has been independent. He knows Shimo La Tewa, Kodiaga, Kamiti and even King’ong’o Prisons better than you know your shags. He often says his life changed when his father married a sixth wife whose children he loved more hence his dropping out of kindergarten…
Uncle Reminisce
This is the broke uncle who joined Mumias Sugar straight from high school and worked for 20 years until his retrenchment. He keeps reminiscing about the good old days at when wazungu still managing the miller and has on his wall, a small framed picture of himself in overalls, a helmet and white gumboots shaking hands with the MD. Ever since retrenchment, Uncle Reminisce has never sought another job and is always broke.
The Sumbua Uncle
Only thinks about himself and can call you on a Monday morning with the tale of how “Unajua cousin yako wa class two hawezi enda shule. Kuna fee balance ya Sh300” yet you had spent the entire weekend in the village buying him beer worth Sh5000, but he forgot about his son’s school fees.
He is the type who approaches the local secondary school to buy firewood by felling a huge cedar tree planted by your grandfather to commemorate Kenya’s independence. He will pocket the Sh2000 from the sale and disappear from home, leaving his wife struggling with the brood as he plays pool at the market and ordering karanga chapati in kiosks.
The Weird Uncle
His is a life of contrast. He will be very well dressed, clothes ironed and shoes shining, but his kids wear tatters and walk barefoot. He might have a good salary at an NGO, but still lives near Mathare slums. He can be a director at the Planning Ministry, with a driver and government Pajero, but still lives in free government housing in majengo. No one knows what he does with his money.
The Cool Uncle
Has a biblical name like Uncle Moses, Uncle John or Uncle Mathew. He is the one who will give you money without minding what you want to do with it. You go to him when you get conned your school fees by the pata potea guys at Marikiti in town. You talk to him when your wife or boss, but often your wife, gives you grey hairs. He drives from Ngong Road to bail you after you're arrested in Githurai for drinking after hours. Such nice uncle usually have terrible wives though and you have to meet him in bars, yet he never cheats on his wife, and pays his tithe.
The Role Model Uncle
He retired from the Ministry of Education and all his children went abroad. He eats well, hardly ages and his rural home has the most foliage, trees and assorted flowers. His wife is a retired nurse with a successful dairy project that’s often featured on Shamba Shape Up. He is usually the family spokesman who gives a vote of thanks after bride price negotiations. His Datsun 160 J bought in 1980 is in top notch condition as are his well ironed suits. He is not the richest uncle, but never seems to lack for anything. When he summons everyone to a family meeting, even the Lost Uncle in Mtwapa sends apologies.
