By now, you must have heard the catchphrase, ‘fake it till you make it.’ Pressure to appear successful is always there, from peers (who were not so bright in high school) to those good at selling snake oil and don’t mind flaunting new-found wealth.
Others fake it to fit in. But with just these few pointers, you too can join the ranks of the burgeoning ‘social media affluent’ in the following 10 ways of thinking rich, talking rich and looking rich on Facebook and other online platforms:
1. Suit yourself
Take a soft loan and buy a designer suit from Garissa Lodge. Then spruce up yourself for that comely studio photo starring a sparkly white background.
Side shots are especially fancy, more so if you sit on a plush chair and cross your hands on your chest or place them casually on your lap, displaying your gold-plated, heavy wristwatch - the ultimate success pose.
2. Sell your lie
Here, my brothers and sisters, you need to keep up with current trends. Know when fuel prices rise (by one otonglo) so that you can authoritatively write a two-page post about how pump prices are screwing your motorised life.
Complain about side mirror thieves along Limuru Road, even though the closest you ever came to a side mirror is when you helped push the shags matatu out of a muddy patch in Igamba Ng’ombe.
3. The devil is in the details
Do not hold back when naming all your achievements and places you have visited. But never tell it’s a sponsored trip to Lamu, say it’s Zanzibar, it sounds more romantic.
Then name companies you own on Facebook - from Home Box Office Entertainment (burning DVDs), to the clearing and forwarding (garbage collection) enterprise.
4. On location
Here, simply manipulate the GPS settings on your phone and check in from different locations of the world. This needs much dedication, as you will need to stay off grid to completely sell this lie.
It’s preferably done when you have a running stomach after indulging in dodgy smokie pasua and have to recuperate for a week at home.
5. Befriend the haves
You need to send friend requests to the who’s who in Kenya. Believe me, a like on your status from Joy Doreen Biira will boost your online reputation, but you need to cut loose those floozies who will write on your wall things like, “Hae swtht, thks 4 da +”. People of this calibre bore holes into the character you are trying to sell and should be buried ASAP.
6. Have a rich facade
Ensure you tell dealers of expensive items to inbox you with further details. People are wowed if you’re the kind of Kenyan who has no qualms forking out Sh30 million for a home in Runda.
7. Never fall for trends
Facebook challenges are for the idle. Flower filters are for the desperate. Selfie sticks are for the clueless who just bought their first phones with a clear front camera. Not you my friend, you had your first phone long before someone took a bite from Steve Job’s apple and you should act like it.
8. Photo me
Take a photo with at least one important person, even if it’s an aspiring MCA. But don’t act too eager or grin like a sloth.
The photo should look natural, like the celebrity begged you for the opportunity before accompanying it with a caption reading, “Hanging out with my long-time buddy”, to hammer the message home that you hang out with the crème de la crème.
9. Resign from gossip groups
Don’t be caught dead discussing how so and so was anikwad by Chanelle de la Dramatilicious for being a deadbeat dad. Gossip is for the unsophisticated.
You should be in groups like the Awesome Millionaires in Kenya or in closed groups for those who made their first millions in primary school.
10. Block all Truth sayers
These annoying truth sayers will pee on your parade without apologies. They will doubt you bought Clarks shoes for 40 grand and point out that they’re actually Githurai sidewalk throwbacks selling at Sh200.
When you brag on Facebook that you just “checked in” into your apartment in Kileleshwa, truth sayers will shout that they just saw you passing under a footbridge on the Thika Superhighway! Block these negative bundles of energy.
