The eight types of women you will find in Nairobi

Nairobi is currently the world’s hot spot.  It’s the only capital city in the world that boasts of a National park right at its centre and also the hub of major international conferences like TICAD. All  renown world dignitaries  mark Nairobi as a must visit city as they criss- cross the world; Pope Francis, President Obama and recently alleged phone smasher Chris Breezy!

For a foreign bachelor wandering what type of women he is bound to meet in this city under the sun, pull your stool closer as I break down this delicate FBI (Female Breed Information!)

1.  Caro the hustler: This girl knows all River road industries at heart. She grinds hard in down town and refuses to be a slave in a suit (read white collar jobs). She instead prefers running her own businesses in a dirty dust coat, without make up or manicure and with her string of employees but wait till you see her bank statement..weee my friend, you will despise your receptionist job in Karen!

Location: River road and Industrial area

2.  Jane the debbie downer: this woman pulls women around her down. She knows that she is a loser and unsuccessful in life but instead of asking for a hand, she asks for their peace and gives women restless nights by gossiping and tarnishing them. Any successful woman according to her books must have slept her way up – 14^th century school of thought!

Location: Virtually everywhere!

3.  The corporate lioness: This is the woman that makes Nairobi proud! She calls shots in the corporate world as she signs multimillion deals that affect companies every day. She has been labeled ‘bitchy’ and ‘arrogant’ but her thick skin wouldn’t allow these empty and shallow utterances to drown her quest for success. She has been to Harvard and Stanford University and talks to her mentor Oprah Winfrey on Skype once a month. Her six figure salary affords her classic hair that is ten times your rent and a posh car that can pay for your masters and PhD school fees. Habari ndio hiyo!

Location: Up market estates like Karen, Kilimani, Loresho, Spring Valley and Gigiri

4. Alisha the wannabe socialite: Kim Kardashian needs to be flown to Kenya to start a socialite school as the business is booming and highly untapped. Alisha is the woman who decided that going to class and getting a degree is a total waste of resources. Precious resources that can be used to buy an hour glass figure (read waist trainer), a lighter complexion and a derriere bigger than all political problems of Kenya combined!

Location: Somewhere in Instagram posing with a figure hugging bandage dress while tucking her tummy so deep like she will never exhale again!

5. Gladys the sponsoree:  Gladys long figured out that Nairobi is a very expensive city to live in especially if you are lazy and without any quality substance between your ears! So she decides to prey on married men who drive Prados and Mercedes Benz to earn a living. She can go to the extent of getting pregnant to the rich fella in order to sue for an outrageous amount in child support.  And of course selling the cheap story to any blogger that can entertain it! Nonsense!

How to detect one: she always starts asking for money after the second date…….mapenzi ni wewe!

6. The desperate mamacita:  She is usually charming and with striking looks until she starts talking about a 5 million bob wedding on the first date and how you should start paying her dowry before you enroll for your masters degree.

Advice: Run for your life! She needs a psychiatrist not a man!

7. Shirley the party girl: She smokes like a fire extinguisher and drinks like the breweries have put up notice of closure! This girl needs salvation!

Disclaimer: Unless you are ready to spend all your weekends in a bar, my friend, keep off!

8. Alice the Church girl:  She serves in various departments in her church and is waiting on the Lord for her righteous man. Don’t confuse the ring on her left middle finger for an engagement ring; it’s a purity ring for her celibacy. Pull up your zip!

Advice: She is a keeper- marry her!