Why Nyamira is Kenya's dullest, backward place

There is no doubt that Nyamira County is the dullest place in the whole of the Milky Way. I have never been to a place that so decidedly backward, lackadaisical, with no promise of a better tomorrow.

Nothing goes on in Nyamira. Nothing. Occasionally, a man hacks his wife and two children to death. Annually, they lynch elderly women accusing them of sorcery. Never mind that Nyamira is probably the most religious county and it is 2016-for crying out loud.

Nyamira contributes nothing to the Kenyan economy. The most fun you can have there is walking through a luxuriantly green tea plantation, or if you want some action, go right ahead and pick tea. Watching a Nyamira Express bus speeding by is as exciting as it gets. Nyamira folks are as dull as a swamp. Other than Timothy Bosire, how many MPs do you know from Nyamira? Exactly. Even other Kisiis from outside Nyamira don’t know them.

Kenyans have accused my kinsmen of being rude, uncouth, wife batterers among other nasty things that I am forbidden from mentioning. Nearly all these attributes belong to people mostly from Nyamira.

A popular Gusii FM station has a session called the mother tongue equivalent of word ‘Whirlwind’ that broadcasts the most bizarre things happening around Gusii Land. They are very sensationally unprofessional, but whether it is a man stealing from his wife for chang’aa and being whipped proper, whether it is acts of bestiality, bizarre murders over food and such, Nyamira invariably takes the cake.

If you have ever been wronged by a Kisii, say an uncouth matatu driver, especially those of Embakasi route, that probably was a man from Nyamira. If you are Kisii woman, and you have ever overheard old Kisii men, talking vulgar   things, they are mostly from Nyamira, more so Kitutu Masaba, especially Keroka, which is the largest town in Nyamira (the good side of Keroka is in Kisii County). Keroka is an overrated and overpriced town but at close scrutiny, it has nothing to offer. Most Kisiis from Keroka think highly of themselves, but they are just a bunch of annoying folks.

Nyamira County has offered Kenya no celebrity or famous person, except George Anyona, the Marxist and prodigious debater who sadly left us in the aughts. May be Ringtone, if he merits the term celebrity.

There is a method to the madness of Nyamira County. The train carrying civilization passed on a different route, forgetting them. For the longest time, Nyamira was without a single tarmac road. It wasn’t until in the 2000s, that people in Nyamira saw a tarmacked road. By then, the rest of Kisii, had advanced so much that Nyamira will need 50 years, and Kisii County stalling entirely for them to catch up.

That is why, in 2016, the most famous Kisii musicians and bands, most of which are from Nyamira sing misogyny laden songs, to which both Nyamira men and women dance to. Really disgusting. Kisii songs used to be obituaries. But the last chat-topping songs from the Gusii region (and Nyamira people have the mistaken assumption that they are the best singers) praise wife battery, polygamy and any backwardness, making it difficult for us to bring them to the new millennium.

I will caution you here. Before you argue with a Kisii man, make sure that he is not from Nyamira. Before you settle with a woman from Nyamira, make sure you know she comes from which clan. There is a small Nyeri in Nyamira too. Only that it is never covered enough by the media.

I know this is a death warrant that I have signed. I have copied the police this post since my life is officially in danger.

@nyanchwani

snyanchwani@gmail.com