Just why city drivers need car bombs

There is never a prouder moment than when we import eight-year-old cars from Japan that are alleged to have run ‘only’ 30,000km and christen them ‘brand new.’

The Japs obviously don’t drive much, or they are very good drivers because their eight-year-old cars arrive in Mombasa in mint condition. But after barely one month on our roads, they resemble a pampered kitten that’s just emerged from a battle with an alley cat.

They will be scratched, dented and multi-coloured, the result of collisions with cars driven by criminals, drunks and psychopaths.

The resulting panel beating always goes wrong because the ‘mechanic’ who did the job is a quack working in cahoots with a shifty-eyed insurance agent.

Six months down the line, most of those cars will be missing crucial parts. Pieces of plastic will be hanging from the underside of the car, the boot will not be smelling nice anymore and the windows will need to be pulled up with a bit of force.

Speakers and toolkit are always pinched by the guys at the car wash when we dump the car with them and dash into the pub.

The car stereo goes when we park on the streets and vanish into a building for an errand while side mirrors are ripped off right before our eyes.

But these are petty thieves. The real toughies just fling you out of your car like a sack of potatoes and drive off to Uganda or Tanzania barely a month after you bought the car using a hefty loan from a bank. And that is when you are lucky. Most are not averse to blowing off your head.

I just don’t think we are being too realistic with this second-hand car business. First, let us stop pretending that we can drive around with side mirrors and parking lights.

These, and the steering wheel, should be made detachable so that the moment we park, we unscrew them and store them in the boot.

I bet you are thinking, this guy is an idiot. If they can steal the car, what makes him think they can’t open the boot?

That very question brings me to an even more fundamental lapse. We need to stop dreaming that we can secure cars using alarms, tracking systems and whatnot.

I mean, when armed, thugs are ready to kill to steal cars, it makes no sense to treat them with kids’ gloves.

I say we demand that all second-hand car imports to Kenya must be booby-trapped.

 The moment the bad fellas try to pry open your boot to steal side mirrors and steering wheels, let a grenade explode and rip their innards into a 1,000 bits.

There is a huge possibility that the grenade could kill you as well, but just pretend you are a suicide bomber and 72 virgins await you with open arms well before the chief government pathologist is done with your remains.

By the way, if only employers embraced unemployed graduates with the same excitement that men run around for giggling virgins!