There is a Sierra Leonean wise saying that goes: If the cockroach wants to rule over the chicken, then it must hire the fox as a guard. Kenyan watchmen and guards must live by this wisdom. The zeal that is displayed by some of these fellows is surprising.
Then to make it worse, some have the audacity to serve you with arrogance. Not all of them, however, have egos the size of Uhuru Highway.
A pal of mine works in one of them posh buildings in Nairobi’s Upper Hill area. The other day, she offered to buy lunch and I had to go pick her so that we could proceed in one car to our preferred hotel. When I arrived at the gate, I recorded the office I was going to and was waved on at the gate.
But as fate would have it, I had to wait a bit for my friend at the parking lot, before she could come out of the building. Needless to say, I had to double park. This would mark the beginning of my troubles with the watchman.
To start with, the man barked an order to me when standing a good 30 or 40 metres away. Never mind I was driving a reasonably good and respected brand of a car, so common sense would have guided him to know I was not a pesky taxi guy, looking for clients there.
My Maasai blood rushed through my veins like a speed train. I had to summon my two decades of being a Nairobian to resist the temptation of dashing to him with my rungu in hand.
I, however, chose to ignore him. Being the reckless guy he was, walked towards my car. I quickly reminded myself that I needed to be calm. I sat and made sure I had my phone in my hand, lest my hand formed a fist and flew out of the window and land on his nose.
He seemed to have sensed something, he stood a good five metres away from me. “Wewe, nakuambia utoe ngari hapo (hey, you are not allowed to park there),” he yelled. I beckoned him to come nearer. I coolly informed him that if it was on another day at another place, he would regret the day he boarded a bus to come to Nairobi to seek employment.
I reminded him that he should not just shout at people carelessly. I made him know that he had no clue who I was. At this point, I was masquerading as a very serious and perhaps extremely dangerous Kenyan. But the fellow, in his folly could not see the sense.
Arrogant guards
He retorted:“Kwani, wewe ndio utakuja kunionyesha kazi hapa (so you want to teach me how I should work)? “Hii ndio ofisi yangu boss (boss, this is my office),” he snarled. I decided I would not engage with a guy who has refused to reason. I told him to get me his supervisor.
To cut a long story short, in just 15 minutes the fellow metamorphosed from an arrogant fellow with attitude from here to Bangkok, to a meek shaken man who was now defending his job and mumbling about his children!
This arrogance among watchmen is all over. While you are not dealing with office guards, you have to contend with estate watchmen. Some are overzealous in an annoying way. It gets even worse when they refuse to reason.
They are so used to ‘tuning’ the house managers in the estate that they have picked their undesirable habit of gossiping. Some of these fellows are tell-it-alls who will give you the intricate details of all the houses in the estate. I am afraid some have become mobile verbal gutter press.
However, except for this annoying incident, I always have a soft spot for watchmen, especially the smart, nice ones. Take, for instance, the one who warns you in coded language when your mpango wa kando is in the vicinity and your wife is in the car.
“Boss, hii joto ya leo si normal, inataka umbrella”. If you are bright, you will decode the message and know you have been forewarned.
