How not to demand submissiveness from your woman

This magazine published an interesting story about a woman in Bomet County who turned tables on her husband and beat him up after he demanded his conjugal rights by force. The story became a topic of discussion, creating a heated debate on one vernacular FM radio station.

Some male listeners called, complaining that wives have increasingly become rebellious and that this has led to an increase in the number of henpecked men and chaotic homes.

The discussion went on and on, with some women complaining that besides lack of tact to ask for or initiate intimacy with their wives, most men don’t know how to generally treat their women.

One female caller tickled the presenter and listeners when she said her husband used to assume a kiss is always a prelude to intimacy.

She said whenever she pecked him, he always furiously dug in for a deep kiss, and began undressing her in readiness for love making.

The show was characterised with many crazy ideas, with some men giving strange tips on how to subdue rebellious and strong-headed wives.

Impregnating her year in year out

“All you need to manage such a wife is to get her pregnant year in, year out, until she runs out of energy to rebel. With five kids in a row, her noise, nagging and dominance will have reduced,” one caller advised fellow male listeners, urging them to be “hardcore” and never to smile or laugh when dealing with wives to earn their respect. Really? You may wonder.

Many others called in ranting and shared their “time-tested tricks” and I could not wrap my mind around the fact that some men still believe in total dominance over their women as a way of taming them and getting respected.

Gentlemen, gone are the days when women used to be put in their place by their men asserting biological and physical supremacy, terrorising them and children in a false sense of authority.

In this day and age, the whole idea doesn’t hide very well or look good even when it is disguised as cultural chauvinism or claimed to be done in the interest of preserving noble cultures or traditions.

Submissiveness that most men crave from their women is earned through respect. Period. Well, using force is likely to yield faster results. Unfortunately, such kind of submission doesn’t last longer. Basically, beating her up to be submissive is a zero-sum game.

Men’s immaturity and pettiness

Relationship coaches will tell you that bullying and coming up with rules and regulations in a union is a clear indication of immaturity and pettiness.

Granted, back in the day, it was almost acceptable for a man to not only intimidate or beat up his wife and children, at times, just for the heck of it, all in the name of administering discipline.

Unfortunately, in the 21st century such a move is likely to land you in the hands of the authorities. It’s a lose-lose situation.

Tales have been told of men who only cleared their throats and their wives and children scampered for safety like cockroaches.

Such dictatorial husband had, for instance, a special chair, which no other person dared sit on. They ate the juiciest and biggest piece of chicken as their children and wives nibbled on the most miserable parts such as intestines, legs and whatnot.

Gone are the days wives and children dared not ask questions; today they are to be both seen and heard. Today’s family set up has no place for such dictatorial tendencies. Any man still believing in such tactics as the best way to reign in on his wife and children is mistaken.

Using ‘early man’s’ tactics

Radio, TV, newspapers and social media overflow with advice on how women should treat or handle their men.

Unfortunately, no one ever bothers to sermon men on how to go about the same. It’s really far-gone for a man in the 21st century to resort to early man’s tactics when desperate to have his way over his wife or children.

Women have somehow embraced change and are moving with times. So smart are some that they now, for instance, use sex to reward or punish their men.

It’s, however, amazing how some wives dole out this pleasure to their husbands in limited portions as if it were relief food! So bad is the situation in some homes that men now have to beg, pay or use force to get sex.

Ladies, this is counterproductive because what it does is to make your man start suspecting you get a better deal elsewhere. And nothing kills a man’s spirits or brings out the demons in him than such thoughts.

Using sex as punishment is as bad as physical assault from a husband. It’s emotional torture. The only difference here is that the show of might is not as crude as in the latter case.

Waking her late night for intimacy

Gentlemen, intimacy is all about negotiation. Look, there is no such thing as a free lunch here. If you want a warm meal each time you arrive in the dead of the night, but a microwave.

If you want a hot bath every morning and evening, pay the power bill in time. If you want children chanting ‘welcome home, dad’ choruses when you arrive, always remember to get home early, be their best friend by playing with them and buying them gifts every now and them.

If it’s intimacy you want from your wife, create a conducive environment and start early enough in the day. Arriving home in the dead of the night to wake her up to ostensibly make love to you in very unfair.

However, the frustrations that the male callers expressed were not entirely misplaced. Some were valid in the sense that we also have some stereotypical Kenyan women whom you can’t really tell what they want. They are drama queens.

“Living with some women is difficult, one has to be tough. Some expect you to be this tough, macho man when in public, but at the same time, they want you to be all mushy behind closed doors,” a male caller complained.

Clearly, from this you can tell nowadays emotional vulnerability is pretty much enjoying as much currency as material security. Put differently, as a man, when dealing with this kind of woman, it becomes incumbent upon you to make more money — commonly referred to as “our money”— than she can spend!

Inappropriate Stone Age language

Another area men have to up their game is communication. Considering the fact that women are required to lower their high expectations from men, the men need to improve how they communicate with their women.

Truth be told, most of us men are stuck in Stone Age. When verbal communications, which in most cases is inappropriate, fails to yield fruit, we have a habit of resorting to force, which nowadays back fires big time. Like it did in the aforementioned Bomet case.

To appreciate how good women are doing in as far as expressing themselves is concerned, sample this. To avoid coming off as perverted or dirty minded, when they want to refer to sex, unlike men, they talk of making love. Instead of scandalizing themselves or coming off as gross like men always do by claiming to be horny, women talk of being turned on or simply in the mood.

There will be more peace in homes when men and women try to understand and learn each other’s language of love.

Meanwhile, women are urged to become and behave like wives once they are married. This idea of playing girlfriend, even in marriage is annoying. Whereby they engage in some unnecessary power struggles with their husbands and expect to be treated as wives.

As a woman, you could be the most powerful (especially if you earn more) but you must not necessarily rub it in or try to use it to sit on your man.

It is such manipulation, mind games and power struggles that get men cranky enough to beat up their women. When women find themselves in such situations, they call FM radio stations and let it rip.