Strange reasons why Kenyans celebrate New Year

At the stroke of midnight last Thursday, most Kenyans, like lunatics, howled and screamed their lungs out, with others kicking and punching in the air with excitement. Some even puked, peed and crapped on themselves in moments of reckless abandon as they cursed 2015. All the madness happened in the name of ‘celebrating the New Year’.

But if you thought Kenyans were only celebrating having crossed over to the New Year, think again. The New Year is actually a bag of mixed fortunes to many. Not everyone is happy. To some, it brings a lot of shame and embarrassment. Take, for instance, that busybody in your office who always criticises the employer, gossips about the boss, always whines about how low the pay is and incites colleagues.

He yapped to no end about how boring the work place is, swearing to everyone who cared to listen that he will resign at the end of the year, only for him to sheepishly crawl in the office today, to the amusement of everyone.

What’s more, the fellow bragged about the many better job opportunities he has ‘out there’ and made it look like his human resource and expertise is the best thing to happen to the employer since sliced boflo! The scoundrel now has nowhere to hide his face. He is now a laughing stock. Each time he passes by, colleagues giggle, exchange knowing looks and mumble to each other, “Look at that idiot.

Isn’t he the one who was parroting about resigning?” Chances are, one such a miscreant is reading this column, looking over his shoulders and can’t help it but chuckle with embarrassment as he regrets his thoughtless remarks. Obviously, such a fellow has every reason not to be happy about New Year.

There are those who yelled, “Happy New Year” in celebration because they have been ‘doing it’ with other people’s wives, husbands and, gross as it sounds, their mother-in-law or father-in-law and, yay, another year has lapsed without being caught.

Better yet, there are men who secretly installed a second or even third wife on the other side of town or have been ‘banging’ the house girl and, wow, another year has passed without their wives discovering that dirty little secret. Of course, such types had every reason to be thrown into delirium. But, my friend, stop it. Dung might hit the fan this year and you won’t like it.

For others, New Year turns them sulky and moody because they are stone broke, yet the year begins with this tough, ‘long’ month in which people get paid on 47th! Talking of money, I always envy these Kenyans who only whine about being broke in January. Lucky you. Some of us are broke throughout the year, the acrobatics of the economy and the Kenyan shilling against major world currencies notwithstanding.

I mean, some time back when the shilling was very strong, I still was very broke and I played ‘hide and seek’ with the landlord quite a bit. When it later took a nosedive, I still didn’t feel the pinch; sukuma wiki and ugali still featured prominently on my daily menu. Rumour has it that the shilling is now gaining strength, but I am still forced by circumstances to play ‘cat and mouse’ with my creditors and long-lost friends (I met on Facebook) over beer that I promised to buy them, three months ago. My woman hasn’t received her last year’s Valentine Day gift, neither has my grandmother seen the second-hand wig I promised to buy her mid last year.

Last but not least, it’s time to make resolution, most out of guilt. Big mistake. Look, most of you, especially women, have been eating during festivities as if nobody will see you naked anytime soon and you are now built like a KDF battle tank.

But just because people are making new year resolutions, you have resolved to lose all that weight — in January. Really? Like seriously? Good people, make realistic resolutions. In fact, the best resolution is not to make any resolution. Happy New Year.