I understand that Nigerian movies and Mexican and Filipino soap operas are very popular in Kenya. I write ‘understand’ because they are banned in my house. I mean no one is allowed to watch them in my house whether she brings her own television set and a PayTV decorder or not.
Oh, also banned is one queer local TV station which just promotes poverty. Nigerian movies give me nightmares and I have never watched any for more than 60 seconds. Mexican and Filipino soaps are for hopeless and hapless lovers. They drain people minds and hearts. They make Kenyans stupidly unromantic.
When they try to pull those moves, they fail spectacularly as they never realise that the script is based on a different culture. Such moves cannot work in our harsh environment where love and lust, and wedding and marriage mean the same thing.
Some people tell me I am not a good person because I am too conceited. I am yet to confirm their claims, from myself of course. Again, Nigerian movies are banned in my house, and even if the African Union came up with a resolution that we have to watch them, I would gladly present myself at its yet-to-be-established African Court, and ask to be sent to jail.
That might be better than all the nightmares I would get after watching 61 seconds of a Nigerian movie. The thought of the African Union legislating that Africans must watch Nigerian movies is not far-fetched. It can be a reality sooner than you think, now that all the wimpish and hypocritical African despots keep speaking — mostly before they go to beg outside Africa — about a mirage of a united continent that does not have to rely on non-Africans for solutions to its unique problens. The first step toward this kind of a move started in Kenya the other day.
I am made to understand that there is some Kenya Music Policy D(r)aft Bill stipulating that radio and TV stations must devote a huge chunk of their airtime to local music, whatever that is. Yes, you have to listen to, or watch local music — whatever that is — because of some law. I deliberately do not know the specific penalties that media houses will face if they fall below the stipulated amount of airtime, but from a consumer’s point of view, listening to or watching local music — whatever that is — is punishment enough and I am glad listeners and viewers will not be penalised further.
It is not fair to write that listening to all music “made” in Kenya is pure torture as there are some pretty good musicians in this country. And they are not shouting their heads off about getting a big chunk of airtime because their music can compete on the international stage.
Those who are happy with this d(r)aft music policy are ideally singers, and they cannot even sing well! This is the bafu/chafu, kabati/ kaimati, chapati/ mashati lyricists who strive to rhyme for the sake of it. This group comprises hypocrites and crybabies who take to the streets to scream, flail their arms and whine that they are not being supported by the media, and Kenyans. How many of them even wear clothes from Kenyan fashion houses, or by Kenyan designers? Do they even watch plays by Kenyan thespians? As a matter of fact, they do not even buy each others’ productions.
It is a confused group of singers — bereft of any talent whether in the bathroom or anywhere else — with a sense of entitlement; a bunch of infantile lazybones who worship poverty, fear competition and only listen to the noises in their empty heads. They are celebutards, retarded celebrities who think youth is an achievement — the totally non-creative yobs who refer to their “songs” as hits long before they upload them online.
Fine, media houses can be forced to play the semblance of songs, then what? There is no guarantee that Kenyans will buy those off-key “hits” afterwards. If these loafers have to earn a living from their croaky voices, they will have to rely on the elusive royalties from Music Copyright Society of Kenya.
Even if Kenyans were to buy these “hits” not because they like them, but because they want to help the needy, where are they available? Oh online...Why would anybody waste time downloading a senseless “hit” which lacks appeal and whose maker feels pain when listening to it? This d(r)aft policy will deny Kenyans a chance to listen to good music.
We, the viewers and listeners need protection too. There should be legislation that forces media houses to play only good music because we deserve better — not these whiny, querulous and annoying voices which make Nigerian movies and Mexican and Filipino soaps look like top notch productions.
