10 really annoying things Kenyans do on Facebook

You have probably read a long, senseless post on Facebook that left you wondering exactly what the author wanted from his friends or fans.

Empathy? Sympathy? Understanding? What? What about that friend you shared a class with back in your undergraduate days who now runs a rabbit-meat business and has a Facebook page he wants you to like and share?

Kenyans have certain noxious habits on social media that distinguish them from the rest of the world.

So toxic are the habits that many people are abandoning Facebook or suspending logging in for a long time, if only to gain some sanity. Here are the most annoying habits of Kenyans on Facebook.

1. Sharing the sick and dead

You can be prayerful and compassionate without telling the whole world. You visit a sick person and insist on a selfie that you share on Facebook instantly, as if that will make them get better.

Besides sharing news about the dead, Kenyans like uploading photos from scenes of accidents, bomb blasts or anywhere where people die in large numbers.

The photos soaked in blood are so undignified; nothing can justify the morbid stupidity of those who upload them and disgrace the dead. On this one, Kenyans need some styling.

2. Liking every post

There is nothing to smile about when someone dies. Yet, every post with the sad news of death will have 50 odd ‘RIP’ messages, cliched consolations and 11 likes!

3. Trading sweet nothings

Facebook has a way of broadcasting to everyone every single phase of your relationship. Some posts reveal everything about a couple’s relationship, save for announcing they have consummated their union!

Now, there are adolescent adults who call each other ‘sweets,’ ‘babes,’ ‘honey’ and other sweet nothings that they air out openly for all to see, complete with silly selfies. Here is the news for you folks: You look desperate and everyone knows you will breakup; somehow.

4. Political sycophancy
Spending the whole day bombarding your friends with political messages is really annoying. The two political divides have foot soldiers who have made it their business to mud-sling each other, you wonder what their day jobs are.

Eighteen months after the last ballot was cast, there are grownups amongst us who are yet to get over the elections, sulking like sour ex-lovers. 

Add to this politicians with Facebook and Twitter accounts who express their opinion on everything, from the ongoing cases at The Hague to the behaviour of Gor Mahia fans.

5. Anger mismanagement
We all go through the same pain as Nairobians - traffic, garbage, matatus, landlords, name it. Some poeple’s timelines are full of expletives, insulting everyone from the security guard at the bank to mama mboga! 

How about you just grow up! Complaining would sooner sort your problem as chewing gum would solve an algebraic equation.

6. Online egotism
People who like their own posts are narcissistic perverts!

7. Plots for sale!

You place a good post on your timeline and naturally everyone likes it. Except for some imbecile who sees an ‘opportunity’ to start advertising a range of goods and services in the comments section.

This guy will hawk phones, sugar mummies and their MBA and data analysis capabilities. They will invade your personal space without as much as knocking on the door. They remind you why jails were built in the first place!

8. Facebook mothers

Having the picture of a child as a profile image is not cool; no matter how many ‘wow, she’s cute!’ comments clog your timeline. The true test of parenthood is how the toddler turns up!

9. Beastly love

You come across to most of us as trying too hard to be White. Africans have never been kinder to dogs or cats. So when a Theophilus Namuchanja or Milka Wamurigo posts photos of their pets claiming they are adorable, it leaves a sour taste in the mouth. We know you are lying!

10. Amen! Now shred it
In the days gone by, we received long emails that threatened us that we will be be struck by lightning if we did not share a chain mail.

Now the proselytising types are on Facebook and asking people to type Amen and share and expect a miracle. Who has time to read a 5,000-word essay?