Red flags that warn you about an abusive partner

Narcissistic relationships are saturated with loss. [iStockphoto]

For a long time, survivors of abuse have been judged and criticised for staying in toxic relationships. Emotional abuse happens in many households and workspaces. It is hardly noticeable to other people but the victims suffer in silence.

People with personality disorders, such as those clinically diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorders (NPD), are emotional abusers.

According to Dr Ramani Durvasula, author of the book 'Should I stay or should I go?', narcissism is defined as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy, variable and vulnerable self-esteem with attempts at regulation through attention and approval seeking and either overt or covert grandiosity.

Narcissists are characterised by constant need for validation and attention. Most cheaters in romantic relationships are narcissists because of the urge to feel needed by their partners. Narcissists lack empathy, they are self-centered, very insecure, unpredictable, paranoid, manipulative, entitled, and irresponsible. They thrive on putting others down in order to feel powerful because they are empty on the inside.

People with NPD tend to put their partners in very high stress levels. During the first phases of dating/courtship with a narcissist, a self-aware person will be able to recognise the red flags and save themselves from narcissistic abuse. The first phase of narcissistic abuse is love bombing. This is when the narcissist showers the potential victim with bouquet of roses, dinner dates, constant texting, gifts and unlimited compliments, among others.

The next phase is when they devalue their partner by putting them down, body shaming, sarcastic compliments, mockery and insults, controlling their every move. When one least expects it, they discard them. At this point, the victim of abuse would feel confused and hurt. So they begin to work on their healing journey and re-build their self-esteem.

Narcissist believe they can never be wrong. In case of mistakes, even on their part, they will always find fault in others. Every interaction with the opposite gender is usually considered a sign of cheating by the narcissist. Therefore, people tend to stay in these relationships for reasons such as children, fear of being killed if they leave, being in love with the narcissist, shame that comes with abuse and lack of finances to start over after they leave.

Narcissistic relationships are saturated with loss. One can lose themselves, self-esteem, friends and family, trust, assets and the will to live. The abuse can take a toll on the victims hence it is wise to become aware of such disorders. Most of the time, talk therapy, intensive psychotherapy and moving away from the abuser helps one heal and rebuild their life.

However, it is crucial to know that in case you are a victim, the abuse is not your fault. Award winning American journalist Danille Radin, assures that, "The abuse from a narcissist did not start with you and it is not gonna end with you. Despite what they want you to think, you are not making them so angry and upset, that they are acting out of character over and over to abuse you. You cannot turn somebody into a narcissist, same way that you cannot turn into a narcissist just by being with one."

-Ms. Tanui, journalist.