Sue's smear campaign rattles Harold

Harold counters Sue in the diaspora.

It has long been believed in Gitegi the rain we receive comes from the United Kingdom (UK), our colonisers. Harold, a beneficiary of the colonial regime, has ensured this baseless belief is not frowned upon.

Now that it is not raining in the village, and Sue is blaming Harold for that, Harold gathered some of his blindest followers and started explaining to them why he won’t take responsibility for the bad weather.

Russia had attacked our rain in the UK, he reminded them. Or had they not heard that Ukraine had been attacked by Russia? What did they think Ukraine was if not a portmanteau of the UK and rain?

As the elections draw nearer, it is now becoming imperative for politicians to conjure up new lies and form alliances that can win them top seats in August. Harold is no different, although his case is made easier by the fact that he has the arbitrators and the electoral body on his side. If you forgot, the electoral body’s chair and the head of the Judiciary is the same person, yours truly.

But as it may be, yours truly is also presenting himself for election, as the third horse. Not yet convinced by the manifesto of the two leading candidates, I want to manifest and gain a following.

You clearly know that we always rig elections here so those backed by the deep state have a high chance of winning while those depending on the popular vote can only be lucky to even garner half the votes winners get.

You remember this past week, Sue went to Rachuta, a neighbouring village and a political powerhouse, to appeal to the leadership and diaspora voters to do everything in their power to stop Harold.

And the only sensible thing to do after that trip in which Sue said damaging things about Harold was to visit the same village and counter her lies. So we went through everything that our spies, Kinuthia and Paul, Clarissa’s son, had collected from Sue’s numerous speeches.

As I planned for Harold’s trip, and of course allotted myself time for a speech or two, I was considering announcing my own bid and in the process supporting Sue in alerting the foreigners Harold was not fit to be a leader in our village.

However, cognizant of the fact that Harold has already fallen out with the neighbouring villages, it would be wise to let him harm his chances himself. If he went to speak and they asked him about Clarissa, that would be game over. Not even my attempts to sanitise him would work.

Today, I am reporting from Rachuta where we have just landed. The last time many of these villagers saw Harold, he was a rich young man who had the world at his feet. Now, he is a failed politician who begrudges his nephew because of food.

We have just finished Mass, with Harold’s Assemblies of Holy Associates (HAHA) today setting up camp in Rachuta. The campaigns are about to begin. We are debating on whether to hide away Clarissa, whose presence in the halls may work against Harold, or hide Harold himself. In either case, today is not a win for Harold.

He will either get himself under tough scrutiny from Clarissa’s people, or I will have my chance to announce that as the third horse, I will make a less disappointing leader. In either case, Harold’s key campaigners and strategists have failed him.