Bunge Chronicles: When KJ failed to expound on a medium-term debt strategy

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Dagoreti South MP John Kiarie takes a selfie with students during the launch of Multichoice talent factory academy. [Wilberforce Okwiri, Standard]

Let me tell you, Maina. They lied about women not being able to apologise. Men are worse. I learned this courtesy of your friend, John Kiarie, aka KJ, the Redykyulass sensation who played Kamotho better than John Joseph Kamotho himself.

The Mhesh for Dagoretti South had one job on Tuesday: Table an amendment on the motion on the Medium-Term Debt Management Strategy on behalf of his Kikuyu counterpart Kimani Ichung’wa, who may have, or may have not, toured the White House on Thursday.

KJ began by lavishing jargon, stating he was “holding brief” for the budget chairperson “emeritus”.

Emeritus’ amendment was merely a reminder to the wahesh that they should not misread the approval of the Budget Policy Statement and the aforementioned strategy as a nod by Bunge to raise the country’s debt ceiling.

KJ expounded the amendment an insurance and an assurance (Rhymes. Does he want to be a rapper?), against increasing our Sh9 trillion ceiling through the backdoor.

“This proposal is simply pricking the conscience of this House,” KJ told his colleagues.

His voice was on a roller-coaster that only went up, and before long KJ was almost choking on his words.

After he was done ‘holding brief’, he cleared his throat, a ritual many adopt to signal they are about to fungua roho.

And fungua roho he did, opening up on behalf of his buddy, currently on a world excursion. Ichung’wa, KJ said, had brought the amendment to tame the use of “incentives” in buying the wahesh into passing laws that would make Kenyans bigger beggars.

Kwanza’s Ferdinand Wanyonyi wanted to know what he meant by ‘incentives’. Mvita’s Abdulswamad Shariff Nassir wanted KJ to substantiate the claims. So did the Speaker.

“I have photos. My training is in journalism,” KJ retorted. (I can hardly take a selfie. I must be failing as a journalist!)

Unable to prove his claims, he was asked to withdraw and apologise. But that proved harder than convincing Kenyans on Twitter that the DP visited White House. He eventually caved, issuing a half-hearted withdrawal and apology. But that was after he had taken everyone in circles, making repetitive remarks that had Speaker Justin Muturi wondering if KJ wanted to be a poet.

In unrelated news - Maina, this is your cue to resume your usual business. I’m not the kind to sign off with ‘regards’ - my prediction from last week came to pass. Wahesh ranted about the high cost of food on Tuesday. The only problem was that their rants were inaudible. Bunge adjourned the ranting session, scheduled for 6pm, owing to a quorum hitch.

My crystal ball tells me that the White House visit by naibu rais will be the hot topic next week. Wanna bet on it, Maina?