A few weeks ago I was running some errands and decided to pop into a Bata shop to see what they had to offer. I ended up walking out with a pair of shoes, which I promptly put away in my cupboard when I got home.
Reason? I was not ready to face the girls’ accusatory comments about how I dared to go shoe shopping without them and could not even call home to ask if they would like me to buy them anything.
This has been happening for a long time and is not restricted to shoes. When I am on the road and decide to buy a snack to eat on the go, I have to be careful to dispose of any serviettes (especially branded ones!) and food wrappings lest I am accosted about daring to eat out on my own!
Some years ago the situation was so bad that one day I had to remind them sternly that mothers need to eat too, and that it’s not always for pleasure.
It had been a long busy day and I had stopped to buy a snack to eat as I headed to their school to pick them because I knew I would have to wait a bit before they were released from class.
I finished eating and absentmindedly left the wrapper in one of the cup-holders.
As soon as our youngest entered the car, she spotted it and cried out, “Mum, how could you buy something nice only for yourself?!?”
Her sister joined the chorus as they turned the wrapper inside out in the hope that I had left something for them – never mind the snack was literally two bites, and not particularly healthy ones.
That was when I had to point out that mums are human too and their bodies run on food, just like everyone else.
I know, I am partly to blame for making them believe that they are an extension of me so everything I enjoy should automatically include them.
After careful self-examination I realised that the situation had come about because of a condition I developed when they were still quite small, which I call Mother’s Guilt Syndrome, or MGS.
The most telling symptom of this condition (in case you’re wondering whether you have it) is that you are constantly thinking about your children to the point where you forget yourself.
With three young ones under my belt, the MGS got so serious that even shopping for clothes during trips abroad was a problem. I would fill trolleys with stuff for them, then pick a scarf or blouse for myself – just as a way of remembering the trip.
I remember travelling with the hubby once and spending an afternoon shopping for the young ones.
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The next day he said we were going to buy something for me. I walked round and round the shop and saw many lovely items but I just could not bring myself to pick them.
But because hubby was present, watching and waiting patiently, I ended up picking a blue coat that I hardly wore after that.
There is a cure
I am somewhat consoled by the knowledge that I am not alone. Have you ever observed women at an adults’ get-together where there’s cake?
Nine out of ten of them will ask for serviettes or foil paper to wrap some cake – or any other leftover goodies – to take home to their young ones.
The men usually have no such issues; they are happy to carry all the food in their stomachs!
I am however happy to say that MGS has a cure. After years of research, I have found that recovery begins with baby steps.
Start by buying a soda just for you from the neighbourhood kiosk. Sip it slowly, savouring the taste, and try as hard as you can to ignore the children’s offers to help you drink it.
Once you pass this test, you can move onto bigger things, like food from your favourite restaurant.
After this you’ll be ready to join me in the advanced class – a pair of shoes, a handbag, maybe even a whole outfit! It doesn’t mean you love them less, but that you realise you are deserving of some self-love.
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