LOVE DOCTOR

I CAN'T GET OVER LOSING MY MARRIAGE [Courtesy]

 

 

I CAN'T GET OVER LOSING MY MARRIAGE

Hi Chris!

I’ve just left a seven-year marriage. It took me a long time to decide to leave, and when I did, I felt a whole host of emotions ranging from anger and sadness, to hurt and loneliness. I honestly tried my best to make the relationship work, but it just didn’t. So I keep thinking I should be relieved, and that I should be ready to move on and start dating again. But I can’t seem to get over the failure of my relationship, and feel scared even just talking to women. What’s going on and how long will this last?

Fred

——

Hi Fred!

All those emotions you’ve been experiencing are completely normal after a breakup, even if the relationship wasn’t a happy one. They’re generally most intense and confusing right after the split, and will have been stronger because your relationship lasted so long, you really tried to make it work, and you expected to feel better once the relationship had ended.

The good news is they’ll gradually decrease as time passes, but can often catch you unexpectedly, right in the middle of what started off as a good day. There’s not much you can do to prevent them, and they should stop troubling you after two or three years. So if it’s been longer than that since you broke up, then consider talking to a counsellor. Because it’s possible to get stuck after a long relationship has ended, and talking things through with a professional will help a lot.

But however long it’s been since you left, the best way to get over your old relationship is to enrich your social life! That’s not quite the same thing as starting to date of course, but it’s an essential first step.

So look on everyone you meet socially or at work in a new light. Be really interested in them, especially people you’re meeting for the first time. And ask lots of questions about their work, their interests and so on. Chances are you’ll have a lot of lively short conversations, because everyone loves being asked to talk about themselves. And you’ll gradually rediscover the joys of small talk.

Most of those chats will go no further. But a few of them will. Because small talk’s really about figuring out whether someone new matches your interests, background and values. Even whether they’re available: ‘...and what does your husband do?’ And when there’s a match, you’ll find yourself arranging to meet for coffee or whatever. And so with very little effort or risk, you’ll soon find yourself dating again!

All the best,

Chris

 

I MARRIED A MAMA'S BOY

Hi Chris!

I am a 37-year-old woman who has been married for the last five years. I love my husband, but his mother’s driving me crazy! He’s constantly on the phone to her, and somehow he always seems to need to consult her over every decision in the home. I’m beginning to feel like there are three people in our relationship! I’ve tried talking to him about it but he always says that his mother is alone and he wants to take care of her so that she doesn’t feel neglected and alone. What should I do?

Mildred

——

Hi Mildred!

Mothers in law cause endless problems in relationships. Though in your case it’s all your husband’s fault, of course. He’s supposed to have been completely independent of his mother before he married you. But he wasn’t. He’s stuck in a adult-child relationship with her - as the child!

He’s also breaking one of the most fundamental rules in marriage. That the partners should put each other first at all times and in everything they do - even when one of them’s wrong! Ahead of parents, siblings, friends, workmates, even children. Couples who break that rule inevitable get into a lot of difficulties.

You say you’ve tried talking to him, and that he doesn’t understand your point of view. I’m afraid that’s because he genuinely does believe what he says - that he’s only acting out of concern for his mother. He’s not of course. He’s subconsciously still enjoying the feeling of her ‘looking after him,’ just as if he were still a five year old. And, much like the way alcoholics have to take ownership of the problem themselves before they can make progress, there’s no point in talking to your husband about his mother until understands what he’s doing. He just won’t get it.

Instead, stop showing him even the slightest sign of how much his mother irritates you. Be really friendly towards her, and whatever he does, act as if it’s not bothering you at all. But whenever your husband pays you any attention, no matter how small, be especially nice to him. It’s called husband training! By ignoring the attention he’s paying his mother, and rewarding him for the attention he pays you, you’ll gradually program him to put her in her proper place. It’ll take a little time, I’m afraid, but you’ll definitely win in the end!

All the best,

Chris