How to stage a lie and get away with it

A couple of weeks ago, our oldest said he was going with a friend to see giraffes at a park in the city. This was something we did as a family many years ago so I had an idea of them spending time petting and feeding the giraffes. A nice, benign way to spend an unexpected but very welcome public holiday, yes?

Halfway into the day, as I slogged away at work (because the newspaper must go to press!), I sent him a text message asking to see some pictures. Imagine my utter shock when, after viewing the first two expected photos of them posing with the graceful creatures, I saw videos of him holding, of all things, a snake! What?? Had Giraffe Centre introduced serpents in the years since we were last there?

It turned out that the visit to see giraffes didn’t take that long so he and his friend decided to venture into an animal orphanage nearby. Apparently, one of the things the young man has always wanted to do is hold a snake. So the first video shows him sticking a finger out hesitantly to get a feel of its skin, then the next has him taking it from the handler. Did I mention it was a PYTHON?

Although it made my skin crawl just watching the video, there was actually some humour - his stance was defensive even before he picked up the creature; his feet were wide apart and his hands and head were far, far from his body. As he held the thing, its head started to slither up his sleeve towards his ear and he could be heard telling the handler in a barely controlled voice: “Take it! Take it! Take it!” According to him, it could have been heading to his ear to whisper a secret, but he wasn’t interested.

To say I was horrified would be the understatement of the year. I texted him and told him to make sure to soak that sweater in bleach and disinfectant and boiling water, then I realised my mistake. Because he is a very cheeky young man, I could easily imagine him waiting to greet me at the door with a huge hug – wearing the said sweater – when I got home. The mere thought of me coming in contact with a garment that a serpent had crawled on threatened my very sanity. I needed a plan.

An idea came to me just before I got to the house. I had been unwell a couple of days before but was feeling better. But I decided to have a ‘relapse’ so no one (read anyone who had been touching snakes) would bother me. So I said a quick prayer, seeking the good Lord’s forgiveness for the lie I was about to stage, and arranged my face and body appropriately. When the door was opened, I managed a weak smile by way of greeting before shuffling in and making my way slowly, like someone sick, to my bedroom. I made it! I think he and his friend took one look at me and decided it was not the right time for pranks. After a few minutes I emerged, my face telling all who cared to read it that I just needed a quiet evening and a cup of tea. No drama, please, especially if it involved snakes.

I am happy to say I got through the evening without coming in contact with the sweater, which in my opinion should have been burned, and which I personally saw being thrown in the wash. And I can rest easy because he says that was a once in a lifetime thing – he’s pretty sure he’s NEVER going that close to a snake again.

By the way, one of the reasons this was a noteworthy feat is that the young man is terrified of insects, specifically cockroaches and grasshoppers. He can be instantly reduced to a trembling mass if any of these two harmless, toothless insects are even in the same room as he is, and has been known to call on his sisters to come and bash them to death while he stands far, far away. Talk about a man of contrasts!