A ‘sexually transmitted degree’ is still a degree, right?

There are many ways of getting a degree in Kenya. Cheating has become commonplace, spawning phrases like: “Degree ni harambee” (getting a degree is a joint effort). Cases of sex-for-marks have also been seen.

Admittedly, campus is hard. They do not tell you this when they are carrying you through the village after you get admitted to university, chanting how you are going to treat cancer or colonise Mars. No one mentions it when they stop you in the streets to introduce their children to you as someone they should emulate.

The young men only look at you and smile, and joke that they would not afford your bride price once you graduate. And all your parents ever say is that they are waiting for a retirement home.

But they know nothing. How could they know, for example, that since your pompous lecturer decreed that his lectures would start at 6am every Monday, you have only attended one of them? Sure, you have purchased all the handouts and notes.

But who really has the time to read the damn things while your girlfriends are having a good time all over town?

That string of Ds on your transcript is their fault for expecting you to study and have a social life at the same time.

Deep into third year, it dawns on you that your prospects of graduating are dim. There is talk all over of re-sits and not graduating when William Ruto is “president”.

But then, salvation comes!

There is this guy, a senior lecturer. A bit older, with a few wisps of grey in his beard, but hey, this is 2017.

His gaze lingered over you once, burning a hole through the back of your thighs, but you dismissed it. Then he winked at you the next week, and the following week. When you go to protest the harsh CAT marks he gave you, he offers to give you something else.

The world around is filled with people taking shortcuts. Someone practised medicine for years, even performed successful surgeries, before it was discovered he did not complete his degree course. Who are they to judge you? Plus, having a ‘sponsor’ now seems to be a rite of passage.

If you are going to share fluids with a married woman, why not get First Class Honours while at it? It is not like you will use that degree, anyway; you want to go into business.