Give your child the gift of love

Love is in the air. For many, today is a day of showing love for their relations in a more open and expressive way.

In the past, African culture would have frowned upon public displays of affection, but I guess culture is changing, and florists, restaurateurs, chocolate and park vendors will certainly be in love with their bank balance come tomorrow morning.

Last year, I was particularly tickled when an elderly, widowed aunt, back in the village, surprised me by asking what plans I had for her for Valentine’s Day.

Anyway since it is here to stay, how best can we use this occasion to reflect on how we express our love for those we care for and more importantly, do they know?

People yearn for love. Human beings need love. To quote Alfred Lord Tennyson, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”.

That being true, it is sad that many times we end up looking for love in all the wrong places.

In the recent past, we have heard through the media, love stories that turned into horror sagas.

From brutal murders, burnings and stabbings, domestic violence; we have seen situations where love has gone horribly bad. Tragically, when the victims are asked why they never walked out when the tide changed, they claim they were hanging in there in the hope that things would change and the love would be rekindled.

I heard one lady pathetically claim, “He really loves me. It’s just his mother.”

As a father of daughters, whom I love very much, I, like most fathers hope that they find true happiness. But, like in most situations we come across in life, it is very difficult to control external circumstances.

How then, as a parent and in particular a parent to a daughter or daughters can you express your love to them, such that they are secure in the knowledge that they are truly loved and will not fall into the trap of “neediness” that any predator can exploit?

Hug them and tell them ‘I love you’ every day: No exceptions; not just when they do something good, even when it has been one of “those” days. They will thrive on the affection and reassurance. It feels good when people tell us we are loved. It is the same for children. They need to hear it often.

Don’t multitask (spend time with them): Love is spelled T-I-M-E. Spending quality one on one time with your children makes them feel much more loved. Put everything away. Do not be busy on the phonewhen they are trying to tell you a story. Come down to their level and listen. You will hear so much more than their words.

Honour family rituals: Incorporate rituals into your daily lives. Institutionalise family dinner time; Sunday as family day and vacationing together, whenever possible. Family rituals provide children with a connection, predictability, a sense of identity, and presents the opportunity to teach them values, not to mention these traditions build life long memories and bonds.

Encourage them often: It is alright to offer praise when your child does something good. However, as well as praise, offer encouragement, whether they do well or not. Talk about the effort, more than the outcome and give them specific feedback about the effort and skill they demonstrate.

Learn to say YES: Do they want to go out with friends? Do they want to go for a sleepover? Do they want some extra pocket money? Take time to give a well-thought-out response. It is okay to bend the rules every now and again and say YES. Children can easily feel like all we do is say NO.

Be at their milestones: Be there for their birthdays and important days. If they are participating in any school performance, however small their role is, be there. This cannot always be the case for every household, but whenever possible, be available during these times. Be their cheerleader as they tackle the world.

Let your children know, that when they leave home, you will be that loving and friendly face, to receive them, when they walk back in through that door.

Give your child the real gift of love, give them more of you. Happy Valentine’s Day!