Why all Kanyari preachers are closet beggars

I have just decided to scratch my medulla oblongata in a bid order to convince myself that we Kenyans are not a bunch of gullible people. Moreover, while my mind was trying to rewind back into issues that we Kenyans love to 'forget' and 'move on', then a reality hit me. We are yet to forget about Kanyari!

It is easy to tell why we Kenyans cannot forget Kanyari. It is because we see his doppelganger every day in Matatus, in churches, in markets, in public spaces or even in our own homes! This also reminds me of the initiative by atheists in Kenya who are demanding that preaching in PSVs and public places be banned completely.

These Matatu preachers suck! I call them closet beggars. They are the real embodiment of Kanyari in their entire appearance. They will enter a Matatu and conjure up some sweet jargon coupled with bogus charisma and eloquence, all the while peeking at their book of fairy tales (the Bible for believers) or through scratching something from their medulla oblongata that they had crammed the previous night. One common thing I discovered among these Kanyaris is that they all love jams!

When I talk about jams, I refer to traffic jams and mental jams. Traffic jams enable these Kanyaris to beg indirectly through preaching for a little while longer so that they can convince those gullible enough to reward them with material gains (read money) which they never seem to get enough. They always have a problem with handling money. The more the people alight and others board, the more they hope to make a kill. Mental jams, on the other hand, involve convincing the already brainwashed and gullible people to ‘tithe’ for these closet beggars.

Yet, they all have a similar begging routine. They will enter a public service vehicle, greet people, say a prayer, preach, then pray again and lastly start begging the passengers for money in the name of kusaidia injili (supporting the gospel). It’s like one day they convened a meeting and decided unanimously to adopt that process as their begging code of conduct. I coined the term ‘closet beggars’ after I saw one board a PSV that I was travelling in, hungry and unkempt, and while I thought he was a beggar and was readily about to give him my soft drink, he stood up and began preaching!

I call these preachers closet beggars because, unlike the common beggars in the street begging out of need, they themselves are afraid to come out and they use religion as a means to achieve their material ends. The Bible and their tongue is their tool of trade as to what Potassium Permanganate is to Kanyari. In a day, they will board and alight several Matatus in different routes and will even work nightshift on PSVs plying shorter routes. The Kanyaris prefer shorter routes due to the guaranteed maximization of profits. They would be considered an example of a Kenyan crude model of 24-hour economy.

The only ‘advantage’ these Kanyaris have, however, is that they provide albeit ‘safe’ environment for passengers from Matatus that blaze loud music in those wee hours of the morning when people are returning to work. They are both an unnecessary nuisance though and NEMA should consider cracking the whip on its 30 metres noise radius.