Land grabbers can’t wait for Dadaab camp closure

Three months from now, 50 square kilometres of prime land will be up for grabs in Garissa County. After we are done scattering the half a million Somali refugees to the wind, Dadaab will be ours once again.

So all those Nairobians fed up with busaa drums blocking their way home have a chance to start all over again, away from all this roundabout madness.

Among some of the features that will make the former refugee camp even more attractive will be a barrier wall to keep away all militants and illegal immigrants in that part of the country.

So my project involves formulating strategy to sell land in the former refugee camp of Dadaab.

Prospective plot owners are welcome to log into my site where they will get all information about prime plots in areas with names like Gamadheere and Ras Kamboni Road.

And in the Kenyan fashion, the original title, stating Singh as the bona fide owner of the land will display a 1952 date of issuance.

I am the official marketer of the Singh operation in Northern Kenya. For those who have forgotten the organisation, Singh Incorporated prospects on available land and specialises in carving out parcels from under-utilised school playgrounds and in some cases public toilets.

Therefore it will be easy for you to imagine the undue pressure we have had to work with in the past.

So when an opportunity like repatriation of refugees back to Somalia frees up some space, we are left with little choice but to embrace such a blessing.

What is exciting about the job is that the place is so far away from civil society. There is no way they shall be able to stage protests involving school children in an area where learners have to trek to and from Somalia for an education.

Unless of course, they hire police Airwing choppers.

The pilots I hear are excellent only that those machines that can fly are doing private matatu trips between Nairobi and Mombasa.

Most of the rest are grounded.

As for painted donkeys, well, in Daddab they care for camels more and a spray painted donkey will not raise a single eyebrow.

Unless of course they did motifs involving chewing of Miraa.

So as the marketer for Singh Inc. I can assure you we are going to open up the Northern Frontier District to the discerning public at a pocket friendly rate.

And to ensure there is not going to be a scramble the Kenyan way, all transactions will be conducted in Nairobi. Those fortunate to secure space will be given an allotment letter to go claim their land. Otherwise, idle hangers on and freeloaders will not be allowed.

Sonko Rescue Team might just be allocated into offices formerly occupied by UNHCR. That way, they can talk of having strategically located headquarters like other people service departments.

There is no way we can lose in this deal. As the new generation landowners, we are determined to settle the landless, while aiding in the decongestion of Nairobi.

I suppose after we are done, a presidential commendation for a job well done will be in order.

Of course, banks, supermarket chains and all manner of service industry companies will make a beeline for the new frontier we shall have opened up.

Tourism is going to thrive, new marathon champions might emerge when the dust settles from the region as a result.

We are also hoping the wall to keep out terror elements from Somalia is constructed so that the new home owners will be assured of safety.

Of course, those who come first will receive first consideration.

Canvassing for plots will lead to automatic qualification. Plots will be limited to two per person due to demand. Hurry while stocks last instead of waiting for the return of the roundabouts.

With compliments of MD Singh. Karibu Garissa.