Pain of divorce or separation is often relived over Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. It is that time of the year to take stock of who we are and who counts most in our lives.

You see for most of us, the 12 months of the year are dedicated to work and business. Even for those who may not be at work, their lives are also largely defined by the working schedule of their family members.

At Christmas and New Year, at least for those who believe in them, a lot of work stops and it becomes a time to focus on family, relatives and friends. It is in this season that we remember just how central family is.

It is also in this season that pain and agony are most felt. For those separated or divorced through the year, it could be their first Christmas and New Year without the spouse. It may also be the first time without children as they may be with the other spouse.

A senior member of our society once made it all come together for me, when she told me the following;

That marriage is not just about the spouses; it is about an extended family and the friends that become common. In the context of a marriage, children’s birthdays are celebrated with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins from both sides. Festive days are spent with the same family members and time and emotional investment are made into that group of people. Old friends will remain but will mostly be seen on non-family days.

When divorce or separation occurs, the other family members may not know how to deal with the spouse that their daughter or son has separated from; should they invite them for Xmas or New Year? Might that not be taken badly by their son or daughter? How do they deal with the children? Can they invite them without inviting the other parent?

In the end, it might be too much even for in-laws who are well meaning and they might just leave the issue alone.

On the other hand, it is also the reality that marriage breakdown may also involve the in-laws; many times they are seen to be taking sides with their biological member of the family such that by the time separation or divorce occurs, there is hardly any communication.

While many people may have accepted the end of their marriage, they may not have even begun to think that it may also mark the end of their relationship with those they have considered family for years and even decades. Even for those who may have accepted that the larger family relationship will be affected, they may not have understood how that actually feels like.

It hits home for many when the festive days come and they have to figure out what to do and who to be with; they may have wonderful friends and supportive own families, but they may still feel the void left by the other family. They may even go to very nice holiday destinations but it may not be about the destination. That pain is very personal and its cause may not be easily realisable.

The senior lady therefore told me that the law ought to recognise that in divorce there is greater loss than that of a partner; the loss of the extended family and common friends but also the loss of the family customs set over time.

For those in that space this season, start by recognising and acknowledging the loss; it is usually the first step towards healing.

And healing does come and as the pain slowly subsides from the core of yourself, you begin to see many other opportunities for new beginnings; you even begin to learn how to continue relationships with your ex’s family, even if not in the festive season.

Believe in the fact that every today has a tomorrow; Merry Xmas and Happy New Year!