Land where violence is a way of life

Mary Ochwang’i has scars on her face. Those who do not know the 33-year-old woman would assume she was burnt by fire.

Or that her scars are the long-term effect of the scorching sun.

This is because Mary works hard on the family’s small farm to provide for her four children, husband and extended family members.

However, these are marks which ‘solemnise’ her marriage to her husband, who beats her at the slightest provocation. And many times without any provocation at all.

“Since I married him three years ago, he has beaten me nearly every day. I have lost count of the number of times he has punched me. When I wanted to go back to my parents, my mum told me to think of the three children my husband is taking care of. I came into this marriage with two children from a previous marriage, which I walked out of because of violence. Every time I think of leaving him, my mum and brothers tell me to think twice. He does nothing except sell farm produce to buy cheap liquor,” laments Mary.

Her in-laws, to whom she has turned for intervention many times, have not been of help.

“My father-in-law, a retired army officer, told me that what I am going through is life. He said only few women are lucky not to marry husbands who beat them. My mother-in-law told me to find ways of living with my husband. Up to date, even when I scream at night, they never open their doors. They think what I am going through is normal. Yet the scars all over my body are a testimony of my pain.”

Beatrice Kiyaka, 40, a mother of four, also from Kisii County has had her fair share of violence in her 13 years of marriage.

She lost a piece of her ear to her husband’s violent hits and bites. Over the years, she has not mastered the art of ducking the flying objects that are thrown at her. The kicks land anywhere and everywhere.

Reason for this violence?

She gave birth to four daughters. Her husband wants a son, an heir.

Holding back her tears, Beatrice says, “When I gave birth to the second girl, he started beating me. He said I had made him a laughing stock. Every evening, he would begin the quarrel and when I said it was the will of God, hard kicks sent me to the living room. He always made it clear that he wanted a baby boy so that he could get back the respect of his friends and age mates.”

When the beatings became unbearable two years ago, she packed her few belongings and went back to her parents. But her brothers ganged up against her and chased her away.

“My eldest brother told me that I needed to learn how to live with my husband as it is not easy to find one these days. When I explained to him the cause of our conflict, he told me to try traditional herbs.”

Dejected, she rented a room at a nearby shopping centre.

Her husband came and apologised to her and they reconciled. However, the birth of their third daughter early last year opened the floodgates of insults, derogatory remarks and beatings, which she thought had been closed.

Sarah Kiriama, 57, a church women leader and volunteer marriage counsellor, has in the past four years given refuge to women escaping beatings.

“I have received cases of women who despite doing their best for their husbands are rewarded with violence. There are three women who will forever remain in my memory. Two of them have scars on their backs due to constant caning from their husbands. When I tried to talk with their families, I was told to mind my own marriage. It is as if men are given authority to do what they want. Young women are living in pain not because of their mistakes but simply because society has decided to treat a woman as such. Even religious leaders who are expected to show the way out of the suffering, are playing a role in tormenting the women.”

These abused women have nowhere to turn. Those who have sought help from the provincial administration, have been told to appear at public meetings, or barazas, to apologise for exposing their husbands to ridicule.

Says Mary: “When I went to the chief, he immediately called my husband and his parents. He said I had done wrong to report to him as the family could have solved the conflict. He ordered me to walk out of the meeting. Later in the evening, I heard my husband and the chief were seen at the local bar drinking to my calamity. There is nothing I can do.”

When husbands violate their wives and society cheers on, the poor woman suffers silently. The Gender Violence Recovery Centre found that nearly half of women aged between 15 and 49 have experienced one form of violence or another. But the likes of Mary and Beatrice are not captured in these figures. If all were accounted for, violence against women would be declared a national disaster.