Have Kenyan men failed women?

If men and women were countries, then men would be that country that previously had it all-glory and power and that is now increasingly waning.

Think of the British Empire.

And women would be that country full of prospects and potential teeming with experts from World Bank, International Monetary Fund and other aid agencies singing its praise and economic miracles.

In terms of life’s prospects, women are doing better, working harder and the future is brighter.

The number of women enrolling for higher education is on the rise and will soon surpass that of men.

It already has, in the United States, which sets trends for the world.

Even in Kenya,  things are changing. Economically, female chamas are empowering women in ways previously unimaginable.

The number of women who own property, more so land is considerably higher than say from a decade ago.

When women start doing better, and men’s life’s prospects become bleaker, what suffers the most is marriage market.

A career-oriented, marriage minded woman presently has limited options when it comes to tying the knot.

LIMITED CHOICES

Her choices include deadbeats (whose number is escalating-so much so even a Facebook page dedicated to such men recently caused an uproar on new and mainstream media platforms), playboys (commitment phobes who think life is one endless party and other lowly types that do not match her ambition.

So much so that Dorothy Kweyu, a veteran journalist and social commentator observes, “the modern man is too much of a playboy.

“Women mature early and are serious such that when they learn that their boyfriend, fiancé and even husband is a playboy, they move on.”

As the economic fortunes between genders change, shift and evolve, it is time to embrace new ideas about romance and family, according to Kate Bolick writing in The Atlantic three years ago.

“We need to acknowledge the end of ‘traditional’ marriage as society’s highest ideal.”

Susan Faludi, an American humanist and journalist observed in her 1991 best-selling book Stiffed, “If establishing masculinity depends most of all on succeeding as the prime breadwinner, then it is hard to imagine a force more directly threatening to fragile ... manhood than the feminist drive for economic equality.”

GUILTY AS CHARGED

A cursory look at the Kenyan alpha female, be it in politics, the media or business reveals that more than half the women are either single (never married) or divorced.

A sad indictment of what the successful Kenyan woman thinks of Kenyan men.

The Kenyan woman has accused the Kenyan man of failure. And going by their charge sheet, men could as well be as guilty as charged.

And the typical response of Kenyan women to the failures, real and imagined is quite telling.

Signs that women lack confidence in the Kenyan men:

Looking for love elsewhere!

In local popular culture, Kenyan women are dissatisfied with Kenyan men. Many women have quit dating or dealing with Kenyan men.

A peek at a local newspapers’ that runs a paid-for soul-mates’ pages show that at least half the women want a man, preferably Caucasian, or men from other countries. Next month, like others from the past, the Attorney General Chambers will be filled with Kenyan women, holding hands with White men, often older, to sign on the dotted line.

On Kenya’s premium dating sites, more than half the women need “love” from foreign men, something that some men simply dismiss as an “obsession” driven more by economics than love.

Women are adamant that when it comes to matters of the heart, Kenyan men are way off the mark.

Such a blatant rejection is quite telling.

In fact, according to the 2008-09 Kenya Demographic Survey, women in urban centres take at least three years more to find a suitable mate, than those in the village, and the reason go beyond the number of extra years they spend in school, looking for a job and settling down.

The rise of Miss Independent

If you live in a Kenyan town, or better still in the city, you probably know that one independent woman probably with a child or two who has sworn that she will never get married (again.)

They mostly say, citing previous “situationships” that men are not faithful, not serious and fear commitment.

In media interviews, these women do not sound like people with regrets over their choices and tend to live on the Gloria Steinem (who later got married to a man) wisdom “that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

Sperm thieves and sperm donors

The existence of sperm banks seem to have ended the monopoly of marriage as the formal way of getting children. More women, who do not necessarily need to be tied down in marriages, but want children have options.

They can herd down a man with the right genes, conduct a brief background check on the family’s health history and then easily ‘robbing’ them their sperm.

In recent times, the word ‘baby daddy’ has become part of the city’s vocabulary.

Men living off women

Unlike in the past, where men drew pride from marrying and providing for the woman, some modern Kenyan men have no qualms living off women.

The number of Kenyan men in Nairobi and Mombasa, whose bills are sorted by women is on the rise.

Similarly, the number of households where women are breadwinners are also increasing.

Metrosexuality-Spornosexuality

There have been concerns that men have become effeminate or have been feminised.

Mark Simpson, a British journalist coined the word “metrosexual” to describe the man who lives in the city, and is meticulous about his grooming.

And this year he coined the term “spornosexual” basically to describe a metrosexual man who is obsessed with his body.

This kind of narcissism was previously frowned upon in male circles, but nowadays, narcissists are all over and people care less, save for the minority who might think that men who care so much about their bodies are gay.

Maendeleo ya Wanaume (MAWA) attention seeking stunts

Most men and women have not questioned the good intentions of MAWA.

Their approach has been laughable at best and the call for a sex boycott all week, mirrored similar attempts by women in the past. Their theatrics have proved a tad melodramatic.

“It is reactionary and not the best way of resolving issues about men,” says Catherine Mwende, a 29-year PR practitioner, on the MAWA sex boycott call.

Writing on Facebook, rather sarcastically, Susan Muita observed “so five extra days where women do not have to cook, shake men’s hands or fake a headache. Yeah, that will work! This guy is trivialising a really serious issue (of the boy child.)”

Destructive tendencies

This year alone at least 100 men, mostly young and poor have died from drinking illicit brews in parts of Central Kenya and the Rift Valley.

In Nairobi, bingeing is a popular past time, and the resultant problems be they fights, accidents and sudden deaths are a daily occurence.

Oyunga Pala's take

Journalist and columnist Oyunga Pala had this to say about the accusations leveled against men.

In the current generation, what exactly should define a man in your estimation?

There are as many men as there are definitions but in my view a man is simply an individual working towards self-actualisation and finding a life purpose bigger than their individual self.

Many single women lament the absence of ‘serious’ men, is it only men to blame on commitment issues or women too play a part?

You attract what you are. People are drawn to the energy we radiate therefore anyone complaining about choices out there needs to look inward.

Many young men in recent times have been raised by single-mothers, has this affected how they turn out, and who ideally should play the role of the father figure in the case of absentee fathers?

First off, you cannot blame single mothers for making the best of bad situation. However, boys can only be taught how to be men by men. The communal ethic of ‘it takes a village’ is lost in our times but they are good men for those women who truly want to make a difference in their sons’ lives. Fathers do not have to be biological and there are several father figures in society. Within the extended family, in our neighbourhoods, places of work, public figures, and all it takes is a committed association with only men who add value to a child’s life.

In your estimation, what is the future of men in Kenya, as roles change, as women get money and power?

Things will get worse before they get better. Men will eventually realise that they cannot keep blaming women for lack of progress in their lives and make meaningful changes towards personal fulfillment.

The sooner we let go of this gender cross and its attendant burdens and start to take personal responsibility, the better for everyone.

Are the concerns that men are losing it, getting weaker, with some taking too long to mature true or are they overstated?

Total exaggeration. What we in media tend to see is a reflection of our own exaggerated fears. There are weak men, strong men, mature and immature ones and all else in between.

We simply have to get over this notion of trying to fit all men into this single box filled with negativity and hopelessness.

Look around, men are thriving and living fulfilled lives.

We ought to celebrate those good guys more and stop rendering them invisible.

101 with Dorothy Kweyu Veteran journalist and commentator on social issues

What are the three major challenges facing men in the 21st century?

The 21st century man is suffering from a serious identity crisis. Just 50 years ago, the man was the de facto breadwinner.

Today, many women are earning much more than their husbands, meaning, the man has lost exclusive rights to the breadwinner title.

Apart from losing the role as sole providers of their families, the Constitution guarantees equal opportunities for men and women, meaning the pool of lowly-educated and humble women who do not care to be kicked around is diminishing.

Indeed, the highly educated woman is a big challenge to the macho man, hence an increasing number of senior bachelors.

Lastly, the traditional man played a huge role in the security of his family.

This is no longer the case since we are all urbanised and there are no wild animals or warriors from the neighbouring tribe to protect the family from.

We live in gated communities with security guards; hence the ‘security’ services Baba provided are redundant.

In sum, the biggest challenge  for the 21st man is loss of identity resulting from changed and changing roles.

What are the three most important things that men should invest in?

(i) Stable relationships. Modern man is too much of a playboy. Women mature early and are serious such that when they learn their partner is a playboy, they move on.

(ii) The financial and social welfare/security of their families.

(iii) Spiritual growth. It is amazing how many men take this for granted, and yet, just like food for the nourishment of the body and education for the nourishment of the mind and emotional support, leaning on God gives a strong foundation.

That way, when there is a change of fortune, it will be easier for the family to stay together because they can collectively invoke that Higher Being.

What is your take on single-motherhood?

Single parenthood is a problem, and yet not entirely.

The boy child needs a role model, who is a father figure. Not a drunkard, and many men are just that.

I once interviewed a respected psychologist who said children are happier in a bad marriage than in a good divorce.

At that time in my early 30s, I took that for gospel truth.

Thirty years later, and having seen the harm what irresponsible fatherhood can do to not just the boy child but to children, I would not force a woman to stay in a dead marriage, just for appearances sake.

On the other hand, there are a few youth formation programmes (forget the Boy Scouts Movement, it has been infiltrated by anti-family forces) which can help mentor children who find themselves in the unfortunate situation of a marriage break-up.