Timbuktu Express: Why the words ‘Anglo Leasing’ may soon be on our national emblem

I am told that there is a fortune to be made from foretelling the future. What people do not know is that this is a science that can be exploited to make life livable.

Members of the fraternity of gifted brothers (yours truly included) fantasise about the prospect of Ole Jomo acknowledging the urgency with which this country requires the services of astrologers, fortune tellers, mystics and even traditional diviners to set up a commission to assist in running the affairs of the central government.

But you and I both know that is only going to happen after the country has been blown to kingdom come by Al-Shabaab, which will be too late. So the idea is to get Ole Jomo and fathers of the nation to ‘see’ the benefits of gazing into the future before the opposition, terrorists and killer brews sink their long teeth into Kenya’s behind.

Plans are underway to launch the Timbuktu fortunes on all media platforms. I suppose that if I start small, and do a good job, the country is going to notice and I will end up as chairman of the Commission on Prophesy.

Timbuktu Inc. will start with telling the future of luminaries in the republic for free. I will book myself some time on a local FM station and focus on former president Emilio Kibaki.

“The crystal ball before my eyes reveals some very interesting issues about a certain pensioner from Othaya,” I will tell my listeners.

Since Kenyans totally love gossip, I am sure that the volume of the radio will be cranked up so that they can all catch the juicy bits about the former president.

“Actually, I have good news and bad news for the man. I do not know which to begin with,” I will announce during my show.

At which point I will be told that there is a voter from Othaya on the line and would the fortune teller be kind enough to pick it. Ghafla bin vu! (which means the same as punde si punde) a low deliberate voice will boom into my earphones.

“Wewe pumbavu, ati unasema nini,” I will be asked on air. Immediately, I will recognise the voice of Emilio and start shaking in my boots.

“Muthee, my name is The Amazing Timbuktu and I was just about to tell your fortune before you interrupted me.” You would be able to hear a pin drop as all listeners hold their breath, probably foretelling that this is headed the wrong way.

“Will I win the Nobel prize for Economics and the Thika Superhighway?” he will want to know.

“Kuwa mpole Obako buda. All I wanted to tell you is about golf courses that are beautiful beyond anything they have constructed in Muthaiga,” I will tell the man.

“I am listening,” he will say.  “When is my first game booked there?”

“Unfortunately, you have to wait until we realise Vision 2030 and the country starts drilling oil in Turkana. Seems to me you have enough time to perfect your follow through,” I will assure the man.

“Mafi ya kuku!” he will start, and the director will immediately disconnect him. The station does not want the Kenya Film Board revoking our licence for broadcasting inappropriate content.

My show will, of course, become popular with Kenyans wondering what the future holds for some of their fans.
I will peer into the future and announce what the future holds for our spirited fight against terror.

“Dear Kenyans, unfortunately, we will lose the fight against terror but don’t worry, we shall win the war. However, casualties in this fight will include the careers of our Internal security minister Yusuf ole Lenku and his colleague Daudi alias Inspekta Generali,” I will inform my listeners.

At this point, demand will be so high that I will have to press into service Michelle, who will go by the name of Lady Esmeralda. She will foretell that after the First Family’s term ends, the First Lady will become the first woman chairperson of Athletics Kenya.

“Socialites in the republic will enlist in Kiganjo for police training,” she will tell Kenyans. Of course, it will be in an effort to compete with Corporal Linda, she of the police miniskirt.

Once the entire country is hooked to my broadcasts, I will deliver the coup de grace.

“Ahem,” I will cough on air to clear my throat. “Fellow Kenyans, do not be surprised when the Kenya National Emblem has Anglo Leasing boldly printed where we had the motto ‘Harambee’.”

As for Baba Fidel, the one and only husband of Mama Fidel, the Right Honorable Amolo Tinga; the man will come from Boston, shake some Aromat onto the head of Kidero and kemea all spirits disturbing the Nairobi governor.
Joho will also demand that baba shakes some Aromat, but there will be no Aromat. The man from Coast will ask Baba to procure some more from his suppliers in Boston.

The predictions will fall right, left and centre and before you know it, Kenya will be a second world country.

Read your horoscopes, people, our salvation as a country lies therein.