Is your child safe at home?

Father helping his daugter put on her chain. (Photo:Courtesy)

By JOAN BARSULAI

A few weeks ago, a distressed mother posted a horrifying story on social media that left many baffled and reeling from fear for their children’s’ safety.

She had just hired a house-girl from a bureau, and she mentioned how she struggled with a great sense of unease that she could not shake off as she was heading off to work that morning.

So she rushed home after noon, only to find the new house-help taking nude photographs of her one-year-old son, and the neighbor’s little child. Both children, oblivious of what was going on, were victims of a sexual predator, who was in all likelihood looking for new material to boost her child pornography business.

Sexual predators are invading homes across the country every day, and they are increasingly difficult to spot, because they cannot be pinned down to one specific category.

We can no longer assume that a sexual predator is the half-naked man hiding behind thick bushes, monitoring your every movement, and waiting to pounce on you at any minute. It is also not necessarily always the pervert with a heavy-duty camera who is masquerading as a house-help.

You may recall the overly friendly uncle who spent years in your home as you were growing up. He was the one always lingering around you deviously, and ‘accidentally’ opening your bedroom door with great frequency whenever you were getting dressed. Or the cheeky older cousin who always took a little too long to shut the door whenever he opened the bathroom door and found you nude in the shower.

These scenarios may not be as devastating as having your nude pictures taken, but that does not make them any less predatory.

So, who should we be looking out for?                                                                                                                                                                 

House-helps

 House-helps, male and female, have been known to be notorious when it comes to predatory behavior, and many an adolescent boy has lost his virginity to the trusted nanny.

Peter, a 32-year-old banker, says the house-girl started grooming him when he was six years old: “She used to massage and play with my genitals whenever my mother was not at home, and by the time I was a teenager, we were having sex regularly. It was exciting to sneak around and do it behind my parents’ backs, and to this day, my parents have never known what happened.”

Another victim, 27-year-old Daudi Onyango, narrates his ordeal: “She was older by 15 years. At the time, I had just turned 13. She taught me everything I know about sex — we would do it in my room after school, before my mother came home from work. In hindsight, I shudder at the risks I was exposing myself to, because we never used protection.”

For many children, and especially teenagers, a sexual experience with a house-help is a thrill, and an express pass to sexual discovery that they do not have to pay for with lunch dates or courtship, not to mention the stories they have to trade when they brag about their escapades to their friends.

With the risk of consequences such as sexually transmitted infections (including HIV), along with psychological and emotional repercussions of teenage sex, your son becomes an eager participant in an activity that could potentially ruin his life. The maid does not have to sneak your son out of the house for this hanky-panky; she has all the time to do it, as you spend most of your day working to provide a safe haven for your children.

Other workers

The cook, the herdsman, and the farm boy who work in your homestead could also be predators in disguise. It is worse if you spend your waking hours away at work, and only come home in time to tuck your child in bed. This leaves you out of the loop, as far as monitoring daily activities is concerned.

It also gives the potential predator ample time to groom your child. There is ample time to study him or her, and know the child’s likes and dislikes, and the buttons to press.

A child’s naïveté tends to excite such a pervert’s mind, and the fact that the victim is the boss’s daughter or son adds to the thrill.

It’s crucial to realise that, contrary to what many of us imagine, it’s not only preteen children who can fall prey to molesters. Even the supposedly wordly-wise teenagers are at risk, as Maryanne found out too late.

When Maryanne’s daughter, Kate, was found to be pregnant at the age of 15, the news was met with disbelief and disappointment. But perhaps more shocking was the revelation that girl had been a clandestine relationship with the watchman, and that he was responsible for the pregnancy.

Relatives

This is where parents have been known to fail, albeit unknowingly, in the most epic manner. Many parents do not speak to their children about sexual matters, and about sexual boundaries that should never be crossed. In many cases, many parents trust their own relatives implicitly, sometimes putting their children in danger in the process.

When you invite relatives to live in your home for extended periods of time, but you do not prepare your little ones to speak about any odd behaviour they may notice, then you are potentially setting them up for abuse.

Psychologist Chris Hart points out that many parents fail by not providing an environment where children can freely communicate with them.

“Teach your child to open up to you. Develop a relationship where, no matter what they tell you, you will not judge them, or react with utter shock or dismay in front of them,” Chris advises.

This way, when your daughter’s uncle gives her a lingering, sneaky look, she will tell you about it, giving you the chance to nip things in the bud before they get out of hand.

Sadly, in many cases, a parent’s first instinct is to disbelieve their child. Once an incident is reported, you and your spouse lock yourself in your bedroom and proceed to have an intense discussion that is sure to wreck your child’s trust and sense of security permanently: “Surely, I know my brother better than anyone else. How could he do what she says he did?” And you both agree that the child is possibly acting out, even seeking attention.

Unfortunately, often, it is a lot easier for parents to deny the abuse, than to actually face it. How many news stories have we seen where parents cover up for relatives accused of abusing their children? A child cries for help, but the injustice is covered up with silence, or punishment, or worse, farm animals — the elders gather, a few goats are slaughtered, and the molester receives a slap on the wrist. Cherono, a 22-year-old banker, recalls how she waited too long to report her uncle to her parents.

“He lived next door, and would always come over for tea in the evenings. There was something odd about the way Uncle Hillary looked at me and talked to me, especially when we were alone. But I never said anything to my father, because I didn’t think he would believe me.

“One day, my uncle staggered into the house drunk, when nobody else was home, and followed me into my bedroom, where he tore off my clothes. Were it not for my elder brother coming home unexpectedly, and in the nick of time, Uncle Hillary would have raped me. That experience scarred me for life, and created a permanent rift between my father and his brother.”

Rogue parents

This form of abuse has to be particularly devastating for a child, because a parent is supposed to be a protector, not a predator. Thus, the parent, whether biological parent, step-parent, adoptive or foster parent, becomes a source of pain, humiliation and permanent turmoil for the child, instead of being a safe refuge.

Contrary to what many believe, sexual abuse in the home is not the exclusive domain of men. Women have also been guilty of preying on their own children. Recently, a woman in Nakuru was sentenced to ten years in jail, after she admitted that she had sexually abused her five-year-old son on different occasions over a period of ten months. The son had sought assistance from a neighbour, complaining of severe pain in his groin.

The psychiatrist assigned to the case said the woman sane, leaving one to wonder what pleasure she could get from traumatising her son.

The sad fact is that our world will continue to be marred by sexual predators. It is part of the territory that comes with human dysfunction, especially considering the fact that we are dealing with people who can be extremely charming and subtle — they do not walk around with bells tied around their neck to warn us of their danger. But the good news is that studies show that 95 per cent of child molestation can be prevented. And not by the police or neighbours, or the physicians — those people will only come in after the fact. Only you, the parent, can fully arm your child with the knowledge they will need to beat predators. Start talking.