Dealing a blow to Alcoblow

Alcoblow: The enterprising nature of Kenyans is legendary. (PHOTO:STANDARD)

BY TONY NGARE

The enterprising nature of Kenyans is legendary. Their innovation is simply out of this world when it comes to entrepreneurship, evading taxation and, the latest fad, evading the dreaded Alcoblow breathalyser screening.

When the police, together with the National Safety and Transport Authority, swore that they would get drunk drivers off our roads, it appears that the ‘drinkards’, as many refer to themselves, also swore to stick to their tipple.

But how would they do it? Simple. Kenya is a country of many geniuses. These alcohol lovers, despite being aware of the exorbitant court fines and possible accompanying jail time, have not stopped the party.

The introduction of Alcoblow has brought forth many award winning performances from the suspects. Once they realise that they have been nabbed, motorists put up all sorts of Oscar deserving performances that would give our Lupita Nyong’o a run for her newly found money and celebrity status in Hollywood.

Some suddenly go berserk, and others feign heart attacks. Fainting, asthmatic attacks and ‘torrential’ vomiting are also among the famous tricks employed by the tipple toppers.

So determined to have their cake and eat it are alcohol aficionados that they have numerous online pages to help each other trace the police checks. Come the end of the week, these pages get more hits than a punch-drunk boxer.

However, utilisation of technology is not the only warfare trick in the books of firewater fanatics.

It is rumoured that a glass of antacid such as milk of magnesia, Actal or Eno can do the magic. However, those who have tried this remedy say it merely succeeded in giving them a misguided sense of comfort and confidence. When it was time for the crucial test, the chicken, or shall we say the quails, soon came home to roost.

Other motorists, especially males ones, are going out of their way to get a female companion who does not drink, who will chauffeur them home. Thus, they waltz past the breathalyser checkpoint.

This is perfectly okay and legal, but let us remember that the sober driver may not necessarily live in the same house with the owner of the car. Hence, at some point, the inebriated guy will take the wheel, whistle along to some golden country music such as ‘Country roads, take me home’, and hope to get to his house in one piece.

One of the old age tricks that people who drink use to kill the smell of alcohol the following day is to eat oranges or lemons and chew lots of gum. This way, they hope no one will accuse them of spending half the previous night in the bar.

This fallacious solution has been adopted in a bid to try and cheat the breathalyser.  Inebriated drivers, convinced by their fellow partying friends (who in most cases are desperate to get a ride home) that the smell of alcohol has been drowned by oranges and other chewables, take to the steering wheel like the new sheriff in town, only for the Alcoblow to smoke them out.