I want to kill myself

By Shirley Genga

Suicide rates have been rising at an alarming rate over the last several years. It is a tragedy that is becoming far too common in today’s world. The heartbreaking stories are hard to contemplate.

The World Health Organisation estimates that every year, approximately one million people commit suicide worldwide, which represents a global mortality rate of 16 people per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds. It is predicted that by 2020, the rate will increase to one every 20 seconds.

In April, last year, American televanglest Rick Warren, famous for his book Purpose Driven Life, and pastor of one of the largest churches in America, lost his 27-year-old son, Matthew, to a self-inflicted gunshot wound. It was the end of a life defined by battles with mental health.

DISORDER

Warren and his wife, Kay, made their first media appearance after the tragedy on the Piers Morgan Live show in September. During this programme, Warren shared intimate details of his family’s struggle. He told of his grief as a father who lost a son, after a struggle with borderline personality disorder.

His goal in going public was to get the church community talking, and to strip mental health problems of the shame and stigma they are associated with.

Here In Kenya, stories of suicide abound, and seem to be on the increase. But they are often kept under wraps by family members because of the embarrassment attached to suicide.

“My bother seemed okay; he was in his final year at the university. We were all excited and could not wait for him to graduate. He was living on campus, and although he seemed okay, sometimes, he would not answer our calls, and it would take him days to call back. But whenever we talked or visited, he would act as if everything was fine.

And then, after he sat his second exam of that last semester in October, he hanged himself. My mum and dad received the phone call that no parent would wish to get,” says Jennifer, a pharmacist.

Elvis, a 30-year-old, has had several brushes with suicide.

“I tried to kill myself once in primary, and twice in high school, but this was kept hidden by my family. My parents did not understand me at the time, and instead of taking me to see a doctor, they started taking me for prayers.

“I have always struggled with depression; I go through happy phases, and then go through dark ones. In campus, things got worse after a relationship ended. This time things became so bad that I only wanted to die, but this time, my parents took me to see a doctor.

I was finally diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, a mood disorder where individuals experience episodes of an elevated or agitated mood known as ‘mania’, alternating with episodes of depression, where you feel very low and lethargic,” explains Elvis.

MEDICATION

Now that he is on medication and regularly visits his doctor, he is able to live a normal life.

“Once in a while, I have bad days and shut everyone out of my life. My family and friends make sure they contact me every other day, to make sure I’m okay. Depression thrives where there is a feeling of being alone.

Most people who attempt suicide do not actually want to die; they want to end their suffering. They are usually alone with their own mind filled with depression that makes thing think that death is the only solution. It is the depression that’s doing that talking, and distorting reality,” says Elvis.

Vanessa Obura, aka Vanika, a 24-year-old singer, also believes that depression can be deceptive, and that once one is depressed, they usually cannot see beyond their pain.

“I first came into the limelight with my song Special in 2009, but it was not until 2011 when I released Jibebe that I finally made a name for myself. I had finally arrived in my music career, I was being invited to music shows and events, but in 2012, even though I released my song Wife Material, nothing much happened, and my career took a slump,” she says.

“When I looked around, all my friends seemed to be doing well, and here I was with a career that I had sacrificed everything for, but that had gone nowhere. Further, I lost my side job as a translator, and for a while, I could not even afford fare to town.

I would wake up in the morning and have nothing to do. I felt like I had no purpose and that I had wasted my life. I started to second guess my decision to pursue my musical dream, and I think that was when my depression began,” explains Vanessa.

At her lowest moment she tried to commit suicide in 2012 but she was rushed to hospital and saved.

“When my dad heard about it, he asked me to move back home in Kisumu. I stayed with him from December 2012 until February 2013, and it was just what I needed.

“Simply being away from the toxic friends I had been hanging around, and being away from the city, helped me clear my mind and put things into perspective .We talked a lot with my dad, and I met many positive people. I was able to open my eyes and see things in a new light; I realised that I had taken so much for granted.”

TOXIC

She also dealt with her self-image, and had to learn to look at herself through new lenses.

“I had to learn to value myself and to realise that I was good enough. I also let go of toxic friends. The people who are in my life now are only those who are positive. I now live with my elder brother and cousin, and I am making music again. Recently, I released a new song called Cheki,” she says.

However, Vanessa says that the first time she went public with her story, she got a lot of backlash, including from relatives. She blames this on the stigma attached to suicide.

“This shame was what made me go public with my story. Suicide is affecting the society, and if we choose to hide and not talk about it, then how can we be the solution? Acting like something does not exist does not make it disappear.

Last year, I began Women Of Wonder, a foundation meant to educate and empower women, and deal with depression. I want to equip women with tools to help them throug the good and bad times.”