Shylocks unite to help broke Kenyans weather ‘Njaa-nuary’

By MARK MUTAHI

KENYA: A group of shylocks meeting at a city hotel have commended Kenyans for overspending over the festive period, and consequently causing untold damage to their finances.

Speaking at an industry workshop, the Chairman of the Shylocks United Community of Kenya (SUCKS), Luke Mbaya, heaped praise on Kenyans for rejecting annoying advice from personal finance experts and other financial gurus who have been urging them to live within their means.

“We know there are misguided people out there posing as financial advisors who keep telling you to spend less than you earn. But you have courageously ignored such stupid advice and gone on to splurge over the holidays, thereby ensuring our continued existence,” Luke Mbaya said.

“We ask you to continue in the same spirit and stand firm against these foreign forces and resist the temptation to save for a rainy day. We promise to be there for you, in case of emergencies.

“And to show you how much we appreciate your financial indiscipline we will keep charging you our usual exorbitant interest rates,” he added.

The workshop coincided with the arrival of the busiest month of the year for shylocks — January. Or as they like to call it, Njaa-nuary. Besides the local shylocks there were observers from neighbouring countries in attendance.

These mostly consisted of East Africans who wish to become shylocks in their home countries, and so wanted to learn from the Kenyan model, which is one of the most ruthless on the continent.

During the workshop, SUCKS also announced that they will soon be launching a series of new loan products for the Kenyan market.

They will include such emergency loan products with self-explanatory niche markets such as Watoto Wamefukuzwa Shule Loan, Bibi Ametoroka Nyumbani Loan, Stima Imekatwa Loan and Landlord Amefunga Nyumba Loan, which will be available from a shylock near you.

SUCKS also took the opportunity to demystify their business. For instance, they explained why unlike banks and other formal financial institutions, they don‘t ask for collateral and yet they suffer little or no defaults.

“It’s all due to our menacing looks, bloodshot eyes, scars, tattoos and very effective customer testimonials — harrowing accounts from people who dared default and went on to face our wrath,” explained Mbaya.

“Local banks have to be more innovative if they want to reduce their portfolio of bad debt!” he added.

When asked why they don‘t advertise to attract more business , Mbaya burst out in laughter.

“Who do you think all those advertisers who urge you to spend and spend and spend work for? Do the math — when they drive you to debt, we are the ultimate beneficiaries!” he chuckled.

The shylocks further refuted rumours doing the rounds that they have been discouraging their customers from donating blood to the national blood bank, since they want all the blood for themselves.

“That’s mere propaganda. Of course, we are blood suckers but that’s a lie, which has gone on for too long and only so because we learnt about it too late since we have been busy chasing and harassing loanees,” Mbaya said.