Getting along of the sexes has a long way to go

By Tony Masikonde

Kenya: How many times have you found yourself in a tiff with the memsahib over truly trivial things?

This occurred to us when the boys met last weekend for our traditional goat eating season curtain raiser. Yes, I can hear you wondering what the hell that is. In case you had not noticed, we are now truly in the month of December, and as far as this month goes, we are awash with parties.

I don’t know why December feels like one long Friday, but again who is complaining?

But I digress. Back to the petty arguments. On this day, Mark had tugged along another chap, Herbert, who came wearing wide eye glasses; you could easily have confused them for welding glasses.

We would later learn that he earns his keep as a psychologist. He is the one who triggered our whole debate on how men and women differ in getting along.

Herbert argued that many arguments between lovers stem from simple misunderstandings based on different communication styles.

“Women often want to vent, and a man will often misinterpret this by thinking he’s meant to find a solution,” said Herbert.

Authority

“But of course,” interjected Frao, adding; “If am the head of the house, I exercise executive authority and if things are not right, I got to swing into action.”

“That is usually the beginning of bickering,” Herbert said. “When you want to wield your executive power, you require taking a moment and occasionally, women sometimes misinterpret the situation when a man says nothing at all.

“I don’t agree,” Stella shot back. She is one of the girl members of the boys club. “When you want to buy a new suit or take another beer, men usually don’t take a moment, why is it that when I have a problem in the house, it has to be analysed and processed?” she asked.

“Stella, what you need to understand is that men work through a problem in silence, but women often misread his actions to mean he simply does not care,” said Herbert.

After intense differing of opinions, we agreed to listen to the good psychologist and the teachings were humbling. “One thing you people need to realise is that while men ask, women often tend to hint,” he began.

He proceeded to say that men are socialised to make direct requests, while women expect their men since they know them to anticipate their needs.

Read minds

“Women often expect men to read their minds and know what they want without actually telling them,” proceeded Herbert. He continued to say that if women can ease into asking for what they want instead of leaving their men to guess, they would get much more of it with no mind-reading dismal performances.

Herbert said that women remember details and men get thrown off balance when questions such as, “Do you remember that sweater I wore on our second date?” are asked.

“But how are we expected to remember what she wore on a second date? Is she assuming she is the only woman I have dated my entire life?” blurted Frao. “We got bigger things to focus on and remember” Frao added. That is precisely the problem; Herbert who was now enjoying the newfound heroism around the table continued. “Women have an amazing memory for details,” Herbert went on.

Lovers

He went on to say that another major conundrum among lovers is that while men compartmentalise separate issues, women think ‘big picture’.

“Men will deal with car issues, and then come to football and rent, systematically. While women tend to line up everything together,” he said.

 Herbert advises that for men, it‘s good to remember that her brooding over things and bringing up the past doesn‘t mean she’s trying to nag. It’s just the way her mind works — connecting one event to another — sometimes from January to December.

Looks like getting along is a long way, for the sexes.