Of rubber meeting the rod and matters to do with size

BY TONY MASIKONDE

KENYA: In the last couple of weeks staggering statistics regarding Kenyans’ use of condom have routinely made headlines.

First, there was the study that indicated that Kenyans had taken to condoms just like fish in water.

Had this happened in the mid-1990s when HIV and Aids had held us by the scruff of our necks, it would have been really good news.

 But having made significant advances in fight against this malady, perhaps more, in terms of zero grazing as opposed to taking to the rubber to see the huge usage of condoms, may make some squirm.

Well, we all know the well founded disdain of the rubber by a large section of the Kenyan clergy.

So let’s skip dissecting the church’s standpoint for I still want to maintain cordial relations with the men of the collar.

But isn’t it abit worrying looking at the numbers being bandied around? If these figures are indeed correct, my pal Frao is worried that a good number of Kenyans may be dedicating more of their time on matters of the pleasure of the flesh.

“Tony, how can we have Kenyans using the same number of condoms per month as the population of a small country?” Frao kept asking.

Ballooning

Curiously, while Frao pretends to be the sanctimonious one, he forgets that he has made considerable contribution to the ballooning numbers of, ehh, well, shall we call them the adult balloons?

When it comes to the stories on condoms, Frao is a walking resource. There was this story that he always tells when he gets tipsy.

“Tony…” he would always start almost in a slur, “I tell you… we are tough people.

There is this container of condoms that had been shipped by unscrupulous trader from China…” When he gets to this point he starts grinning, especially if there is a girl on the table that he is keen to impress. 

“Can you imagine the revenue authority rushed to tax the goods only for the standards agency to condemn them?” he would pose.

Though he has retold this story over and over again, I usually egg him on for nothing else but his delivery of the masterstroke.

 “What was the issue? Were they fake like many things associated with that country?” I asked.

“No! Bwana, can you imagine the damn things were too small!” he shouts laughing until tears roll down his cheeks. How he manages to laugh his heart out on a recycled story is still amazing.

urinal

Frao continues: “Am told one of the men who happened to examine the condoms was heard wondering — loudly — whether they had decided to manufacture and distribute adult stuff to children.” Admittedly, the said condoms were too small for the heavy-structured men from this side of the world.

This story reminds me of one day when we were watching football at a top entertainment spot one Saturday afternoon. Those days just like today, Arsenal was too hot to handle.

 If a team had not conceded against Arsenal in the first 20 minutes, that was considered a pass with flying marks.

On this day when a big game was on offer, fans tend to await until the half time.

As you would expect, at this time, many men make a beeline for the urinal leading to a ‘comparison contest’ of sorts of their manhood amongst themselves.

Shoved

As fate would have it, there was this huge man who was eager to relieve himself, he pushed and shoved until he got a chance to stand next to the famous wall, and as you would expect the men peered down on his-you-know-what.

After he had left one of the men commented, huyu  jamaa na vile ni mkubwa anatusukuma hapa halafu anatoa omena (The guy is too big yet, too small).

With condoms coming in all sorts of sizes and flavours, looks like the ‘ballon’ numbers will continue ballooning