Rats came, but we have hyenas in our house too

By TED MALANDA

At the height of last week’s Westgate hostage crisis, when all of us were glued to social media for the latest rumour, a Ugandan Facebook friend posted something on social media that summed up how we all felt:

“I would love to get my hands on that b**ch…” she snarled.

She was, of course, referring to the so-called White Widow, the British terrorist suspected to be behind the attack. Now, while I know my Ugandan friend has military training of sorts, I doubt their battle would have involved anything she learnt in combat school.

Methinks first, she would have torn the widow’s hair and clothes off in a nice cat fight.

Then she would have hoisted that skinny thing in the air, flung her to the ground and spread her formidable African bottom on the terrorist’s puny chest, an act of brute force sufficent to shatter ribs and puncture lungs. 

Enraged

Now if a Ugandan, in spite of our little tiff over Migingo, was that enraged, you can picture what Kenyans were going through. There we were, circumcised men and women, men and women whose six lower teeth were pulled out with pliers to toughen them. But all we could do was twiddle with our fingers helplessly and watch TV like spoilt brats while our people got killed.

In Nabongo Mumia’s time, all the able-bodied men would have grabbed their spears and flung themselves upon the enemy.

Their ferocity would have been fueled by the feast that would follow victory and the dance where chocolate-skinned maidens with well-rounded bottoms, chests festooned with the twin Batian and Nelion peaks of Mt Kenya would kowtow to the victorious warriors.

Sadly, none of us can fight today because the battle has gone high-tech, while we still keep nyahunyos and rungus under our beds for protection. That’s why only those armed with guns dared enter that mall.

Baragoi

Terrorists would never take their bloody nonsense to Baragoi, though. Our cattle rustlers, to borrow a phrase favoured by another of my Facebook friends, would have whipped them like stepchildren.

Which brings me to my point. True the terrorists killed, hurt and maimed us. But our own terrorists are no better. According to traffic police, 3,097 people were killed and 15,357 injured in road accidents in 2012. Others were mowed down by Mombasa Republican Council adherents, Chinkororo, Mungiki and the many two-bit but vicious gangsters who terrorise us daily.

Many were felled by ‘stray bullets’, shot at their gates by gangsters, or died after imbibing hooch laced with dirty underpants, rotten sisal juice and preservatives pinched from mortuaries. Others got their throats slit by husbands and fathers in childish disputes over plates of ugali and farm boundaries.

So it’s true, the rats came and visited death upon us. But our house is full of hyenas that we given birth to and breed. These hyenas terrorise and frighten us more than those rascals at Westgate ever will. 

***

I know it’s not the right time to ask this. But should we buy guns for the police and strengthen the Recce Company, or buy cars for governors and toss in a good pay increase for county representatives, who are on strike for this reason, as we speak and allow MPs to raise their salary?

Just asking…