Nairobi County haunted by ghosts, reveals audit

By MARK MUTAHI

Shortly after an audit by the Nairobi County government — which revealed that there are hundreds of ghost workers on the payroll, it has also emerged that there are myriad of other ghosts at the county level as well as at the household and individual level.

For one, the county government stands accused of providing ghost services. A resident whose body odour made members of the press hold their noses while interviewing him, revealed that he has been receiving ghost water services for months.

Unaffordable

“If a petrol tanker and a water tanker rolled at the same time in my neighbourhood, people would scramble to scoop the water first and ignore the petrol,” confessed the man who could have been confused for a two-legged dumping site. “Perfume used to do the trick, but now with VAT and everything, it’s become unaffordable!”

Other ghost services the county government has been found guilty of offering include garbage collection and street cleaning services.

At an individual level, people who send themselves gifts at the workplace to give the impression that they are in a relationship, have also been urged to put a prefix ‘ghost’ before ‘relationship’. Also men or women whose significant other only appears at the end of the month to share the end-month spoils can also now comfortably sleep with the knowledge that they have a ghost boyfriend or girlfriend.

It has also been established that ‘ghosts’ exist even on a household level. This includes ghost husbands and ghost fathers, who are only seen a few minutes in the morning, when they stagger into the house for a change of clothes.

“My children have never seen their father’s face in broad daylight,” lamented one housewife. “I can‘t wait for them to reach an age, which they can register Facebook accounts so that they can make a friend request to their father, and then maybe, they can get to see how he looks!”

But it’s not just with the fathers whose absence is a cause for worry. Ghost children are also another phenomenon. These are children whose conversation with their parents is in monosyllables, and only when they absolutely have to. The only other time they engage with their parents is when asking for pocket money.

Cartoon network

Religious leaders, teachers and social workers are also complaining of ghost parents who never spend time with their children. Such types have delegated the responsibility of looking after their offspring to house helps, boarding schools, holiday tuition, Playstation, Xbox and Cartoon Network.

And for the women whose men spend all the time in drinking dens imbibing cheap illicit liquor, the problems that keep them awake are ‘ghost conjugal rights’!

“We clearly are a country of starvation of all kinds! But what bothers me is such women taking to the streets to demonstrate demanding the government’s intervention in getting their conjugal rights.

What is the government to do? Simplify the visa application process for male foreigners in order to ease their entry into Kenya?!” posed one wag.