Naijeria moves to court to stop digital migration in Kenya

By MARK MUTAHI

The garment of Naijeria has moved to court to stop the planned digital migration in Kenya claiming that if the process is allowed to proceed, it will negatively impact the interests and livelihoods of its citizens who are directly or indirectly employed in the Jujuwood film industry.

“This is a matter of great economic concern for us. And we cannot allow our people to go jobless just because one of our cultural colonies has decided to get technologically advanced,” said Chief Olu Okechukwu the Minister for Jujuwood Affairs. “Even if there are advantages to be accrued from the technological advancement, it cannot and will not be done at our expense!”

Analogue

Chief Olu Okechukwu went on to argue that by the government of Kenya moving to migrate the mode of TV broadcasting and reception — from analogue to digital — is a bad idea. A lot of Kenyan households who don‘t have the wherewithal to acquire digital set boxes or digital television sets will really miss watching Naijerian TV shows and movies. And this will lead to loss of jobs in the Jujuwood film industry.

“But make no mistake,” Chief Olu Okechukwu cautioned. “This is not about our love for Kenyans but about our own selfish interests… I know hundreds of thousands of Kenyans will lose access to television broadcasts, but honestly that’s not our problem.”

Chief Olu Okechukwu went on to threaten that if the Kenyan courts don‘t rule in their favour they will have no option, but to hold some Kenyans and even Kenyan-owned aircraft hostage until their demands are met. The minister also threatened to use voodoo on anyone who will hinder their efforts to halt digital migration.

Witchdoctors

 Apparently, one of the qualifications one must possess to be appointed a minister in charge of Jujuwood affairs is hailing from a long line of witchdoctors. Most film critics think punishment to any offending party involves making them go crazy, since it’s the most popular form of punishment for the antagonists in Jujuwood films. The other option would of course be having them shot in the leg, but having them bleed in the mouth!

The Naijerian minister for Jujuwood Affairs also revealed that there were other measures in the pipeline to cement Kenya’s position as a cultural colony. “We will also be going to court to force local television stations to stop the screening local content. And also move television news from prime time to after midnight in order to give room for Naijerian shows,” Chief Olu Okechukuwu is quoted as saying.

And in a new development in the fast evolving saga the Director General of Communications Authority of Kenya has been summoned to appear before a Naijerian parliamentary committee. They want him to answer to the charges of deliberately and negligently putting hundreds of thousands of jobs in the Jujuwood film industry at stake, with the planned rollout of digital migration.

A shaken Ministry of Foreign Affairs official who kept mumbling delivered the news to the Director General. “This is an abomination! This is an abomination!” He kept saying, as if in a trance.

And in yet another development the governments of Meksiko and Feelpins have made an application to be enjoined as amicus curiae in the same lawsuit.