Jesus! Don’t you open Pandora’s box, Indidis

By Ted Malanda

Those who have eaten salt will recall Dola Indidis, attorney at law, the one time police and Judiciary spokesman who memorably dismissed the then government spokesman as a busybody.

Given the deceptive manner in which lawyers couch their insults, we will never know whether Mr Indidis actually meant Dr Alfie, sorry, His Excellency Dr Alfred Mutua, was a busybody — or worse.

But what is not in doubt is that my learned friend Dola Indidis wants the conviction and sentencing of Jesus Christ quashed by the ICC because “Pontius Pilate erred in law by convicting and sentencing Jesus Christ while acknowledging his (Pilate’s) own lack of jurisdiction and the accused’s innocence”.

In his esteemed view, the human rights of Mr Jesus Christ were trampled upon. It is this mention of human rights that got me all sweaty. With all due respect Mr Indidis, you are opening a can of worms because if there is any record of rampant impunity and gross human rights violations, it is in the Holy Book.

First, Adam — a most spineless man if ever there was one — stands accused of making the snake the fall guy. Him and his chick ate the forbidden fruit. Period. Instead of taking responsibility, like a man, he claimed a snake had cheated him. Cheated by a snake, really? What does he take us for? Kids? As a result of that fat, white lie, snakes have been exposed to mob justice and murdered without provocation for millennia.

Bequeathing

And then there was Cain. According to my sources, his brother Abel was a really cool guy so Cain, in a fit of jealousy, grabbed a rungu and hammered him on the head. Police never investigated that murder and Cain, for all I care, is responsible for bequeathing us our stupid shenzi murderous ways.

But there also was the Biblical Samson who armed himself with the jawbone of an ass and killed 1,000 Philistines.

Mr Indidis, the ICC has fried people for less, yet nothing was done to Samson — nothing.

And then Sarah, the allegedly barren wife of Abraham (yes, that man who almost slit his son’s throat) looks at her husband and says, “Go sleep with my maid servant. Perhaps I can build a family through her.”

Grenades

Instead of Abraham acting like a man and telling her to go to hell, he goes ahead and knocks up the mboch in a case that is nothing short of rape. Sarah would later turn around and, trembling with jealousy, throw the maid and her innocent little son into the desert. Good lord!

But the man who takes the cake, so far as crimes against humanity are concerned, is King David. He could have arrested Goliath, but no, he had to bang him on the head with a stone like an angry football fan.

Not done, he sent Uria, a captain in his army, to the frontline and practically had him murdered because he was dying to steal his wife. Altogether, accounts show King David could have killed 7,000 men, which is a hell lot of gory murder if you aren’t using bombs and grenades.

Mr Indidis? Don’t open Pandora’s box!