Diaper makers laud Uhuru’s free maternity directive

By MARK MUTAHI

A group of local diapers manufacturers have filed a lawsuit against contraceptive manufacturers, accusing them of engaging in a conspiracy whose intent is to deny them business and strangle their livelihoods.

In the suit filed at the High Court, the diaper manufacturers claim that since the contraceptive manufacturers came onto the scene, the birth rate has drastically reduced and consequently, with few babies being born, diapers are not moving fast enough.

The diapers manufacturers want the respondents stopped from manufacturing, marketing and distributing their products forthwith. This, they say, will allow free and uninhibited procreation and consequently increase the sales figures of diapers.

Lawsuit

“There should be no artificial barriers to raising our gross revenues. But currently, that is the situation. Some people, without caring that we have mouths to feed, are standing in our way,” charged Futibo Tim, the fiery chairman of the Diaper Industries Confederation of Kenya at a press conference as they announced the lawsuit they had filed. “People should have as many children as they want so that we can sell as many diapers as we want.”

Diaper Industries Confederation of Kenya, which has previously taken several people to court for being referred to by its acronym, argues that the only ‘contraceptive’ that should be allowed for use are the naturally occurring ones.

“These include personality because as you know there are types of personalities that are just complete turn-offs,” explained Futibo Tim.

Aphrodisiacs

Besides fighting to stop the manufacture, sale and use of contraceptives, other things that the diaper manufacturers are working on to raise their sales include trying to lobby the government to reduce the working hours so that Kenyans have more time for procreation. They reason that the more people are held at work, the less time they have to fill the world. They also want the number of public holidays increased. Additionally, the diapers manufacturers want the government to subsidise aphrodisiacs.

“We would like the government to zero rate aphrodisiacs so that more Kenyans can get in the mood; that’s the only way to swell our sales figures!” explained Mr Futibo Tim while urging more youths to take up government loans to start small hawking businesses ,which involve selling peanuts in bars and pubs. “But, of course, everyone will think we are nuts to even think, leave alone suggest, something outrageous like that.”

The diapers manufacturers also want the government to make it illegal for married couples to sleep in separate bedrooms.

“That discourages procreation, which results in declining sales. We also want the government to disallow king-size beds, because the further apart couples sleep, the further we are from reaching our sales target,” the chairman of Diaper Industries Confederation of Kenya noted.

Also at the press conference, the Diaper Industries Confederation of Kenya took the opportunity to thank the government for the directive on maternity fees. The manufacturers hope the waiver of maternity fees will encourage more women to try having, and to keep having, babies if the legendary love of free things by Kenyans is anything to go by.

“Kenyans never disappoint when it comes to freebies and this time, too, we hope they will rise to the occasion,” he concluded.