Anger destroys relationships

By JENNIFER KARINA

Anger is an emotion with a wide range of intensity, from mild irritation and frustration to uncontrollable rage. It is a reaction to a perceived threat to individuals, their loved ones, property, self-image or identify.  Anger can be both as a result of external and internal influences; it can be expressed, suppressed, converted or redirected. Anger turned inward can be destructive and may cause harm and health challenges.

Nellie, a young woman says she is unable to sustain any relationship due to anger. She is perpetually cynical and hostile, while on the other hand, she is caring, affectionate and considerate. She seems to have a personality disorder that threatens all her relationships. Although she gets to date some really good guys, she has a way of ruining the relationship even before it takes off.

Like Nellie, some individuals have a pathological expression of anger, such as passive-aggressive behaviour, constantly putting others down, always being negative and critical, and making cynical comments. It is not surprising that Nellie is not able to sustain her relationships.  Nobody wants to be around people who are negative, irritable, argumentative and always frustrating those around them with irrational behaviour. 

Deal with your baggage

Past baggage is the greatest setback in pursuing any healthy relationships. Past hurts can become emotional volcanoes and when confronted with a threat, they erupt, hurting both self and significant others, making it difficult to settle down in any meaningful relationship.

Many individuals carry along a lot of baggage in their lives always justifying their bad behaviour.  Unfortunately, the past is something that one needs to deal with before being able to enjoy any meaningful relationship. If you have experienced difficulties in engaging in relationships, it may be worth reflecting upon what you hear other’s say about you. Listen to the consistency of the message.  It will surprise you that your actions stem not from the present but from the past. Have you been exposed to any physical or emotional abuse in the past? Are you ashamed of an experience, reflect upon this, acknowledge and take responsibility of your behaviour.

 Awareness

It is not unusual for individuals to transfer potent feelings, needs, expectations, and beliefs from childhood to the present, from former relationships onto the people in our daily lives, intimate partners and general friends or colleagues. Everyone has a past, a past that brings some level of pain, shame, fear, or anger. You are not unique, what is important is what you do with it once you become aware.

Awareness is the heartbeat of therapy, and being aware of what the challenges are is the first step to your wellness. Whatever the past is, identify the issues and purpose to work towards emotional health. If there are unresolved issues that hinder your present joy, consider whether it is worth pursuing resolution, whatever you do stay in the present and use the past as a learning experience

Avoid the victim mentality

Are you one who just thrives in acting the victim and dwelling on the hurts of the past to receive sympathy? Do yourself a favour and acknowledge that your mindset needs to change.  It is unfortunate that you went through the experiences, however, everyone wants to be around an emotional healthy person.

Accountability is helpful

You may require a loyal friend or mentor to hold you accountable. 

Open your eyes and see today’s opportunity, live, love and thrive because you deserve it!

The writer is a Relationship Coach and Author, |Marriage Built to Last. You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke