Married till she sticks a knife in your gut

By Tony Masikonde

A mong the leading causes of death among men, according to some studious nerd is cancer, liver related maladies, diabetes and road accidents though not necessarily in that order.

However, men in Kenya have a new cause for alarm, if the chilling revelations in court by a Zimmerman housewife are anything to go by.

In an arresting fashion that could have been peeled off from a criminal series novel, Faith Wairimu Maina admitted before court that she wanted to get rid of John Muthee Guama, her husband of 16 years and father of their two children, as a result of “long-running domestic problems”.

guilty

“It is true I conspired to kill him because he has been beating me and not paying school fees for the children. I am everything in the house; his only work is to drink and move around with other women,” said Wairimu.

Now, brothers; here is the problem underneath the problem. How many middle age Kenyan men have been accused of excessive drinking and ‘suspected’ of sleeping around? The truth is, nearly every man, even those who ‘look down upon’ us in big robes every Sunday, have been ‘tried and found’ guilty in the eyes of their supposedly loved ones.

prison

When the story broke out, I called a few pals to find out what they made of the issue. Admittedly, most men are a disturbed lot.

Brayo believes that women, however much you try to impress them, believe there is always another man who looks like he can do it better than you. Woe unto you if you are married, since she has to wriggle herself out of the ‘marriage fix’ for her to enjoy what she believes ought to be her right by birth — and perhaps looks.

“To get out of the marriage prison, women have today turned into consummate schemers of their husbands deaths,” Brayo blurted out as we huddled in a corner trying to gulp down some coffee.

Me and my cousin Sam believe we are happily married, but a conversation with characters like Brayo always makes one uneasy.

So how can you tell when she is scheming to finish you? Sam, obviously petrified by Brayo’s tales, asked.

This was what Brayo had been waiting. He plunged into long description of the scenarios that can suggest ‘you are in for your death’; one would have thought he was taking us through a class in  criminology.

“First, she is very warm in a most unusual manner,” Brayo started. “She will have lots of sweet nothings and special privileges that she usually finds hard to extend.” 

“Such us?” I quickly interjected. Brayo took a deep breath, like she was just about to make a big revelation about our future.

Tapping lightly on the table with a near mischievous grin, he said: “Since she expects these to be the first among your last days, she will be more accommodating in bed, may buy you a gift out of the blue, just to ensure you suspect nothing or even take you out for dinner, as she parades you to your would be assassins.”

With this revelations, Sam looked at me and said’ “Ngai fafa, I think am finished!”