Hey, let’s rig a win for Harambee stars

By PETER WANYONYI

From their footballing performances, you wouldn’t know that Nigerians are more ethnically divided than Kenyans.

Tribe is such a big deal in Nigeria that one fat tribe, the Igbo, tried to secede and set up a republic called Biafra in 1967, which ensued until it was bombed into non-existence by the Nigerian Air Force.

 It is whispered that the animosity between Chinua Achebe, the late Igbo novelist, and Wole Soyinka, the Yoruba playwright, germinated in their opposing views to the plight of the Igbo and Biafra. When a petulant Western journalist recently eulogised Achebe as “the father of the African novel”, Soyinka responded with one word: “rubbish”.

clandestine

But the Nigerians — like Kenyans –— very rapidly forget their tribal differences when their football team takes to the pitch. It’s a little like Kenya’s runners. When they are wining millions for themselves in some meet in Europe, or winning medals for us in one or other Olympics, we cheer them as one. Soon as the race is done, though, we go back to our petty bickering.

And this is where serikali is missing the boat. In places like Kenya, everything is the fault of the government. And this is ok, because every success is also trumpeted as the government’s success. That is why the president, his deputy, and ministers always show up at Harambee Stars matches in Nairobi.

Like every Kenyan, they live in the vain, ill-fated hope that our national football team might actually amount to something one day.

What we need to do is establish a clandestine outfit designed to achieve only one thing; ensuring that visiting teams, at least, lose their matches in Kenya, whether it is in rugby, football, name it.

This is easier than it sounds. Rugby fans will remember the curious tale of “Susie”, a South African waitress who was quite sensibly put in charge of the New Zealand rugby team’s nutrition, just prior to that country’s match against the South Africans in the final of the Rugby World Cup of 1995, which was held in South Africa.

confiscated

Susie did something to the New Zealanders’ food, and when they showed up to play, their gas tanks were empty from, wags claim, running stomachs thanks to one or two chemicals that Susie liberally sprinkled on their meals.

Such a scheme would begin from the airport. First, the visiting team would be detained at the airport for a few hours. This is a time-honoured fatigue-inducing tactic. Next, their passports would be confiscated and all their supplies — water, food and refreshments — destroyed for posing a health hazard.

 traffic jam

If their ambassador shows up to receive them at the airport, he or she would get detained at the airport gates and the visiting team would then be hosted at a cockroach-infested so-called hotel somewhere in Dandora. Of course, the visitors would only be able to train at Dandora High School, and the on match-day they would be held up in a carefully manufactured traffic jam for at least four hours.

After that, victory would be ours!