Dirty secrets & lies that bind spouses

By TONY MALESI

Marriage is arguably the most intimate of all relationships human beings have in their lifetime. And as many will tell you, these unions are about honesty and openness. However, it is practically impossible for one to sustain such a life long union by being completely transparent with each other, writes TONY MALESI.

Marriages can actually be saved by lies. The truth of the matter is that many people can hardly handle ugly truths. Actually, naked truth can jeopardise and ruin your marriage. For instance, when a spouse falls out of love, and in fact, secretly falls in insane love with another person, is it the best thing to confess? I am sorry to say this, but you are better off keeping it to yourself.

Willis Mukabane, 57, believes that, at times, lies are the glue that binds relationships and marriages and that if spouses were to tell the truth all the time, then the infamous Kosovo War would be child’s play. God forbid.

Unattractive

“When your partner becomes fat and physically unattractive after some time, and you feel they are not the person you actually married, never tell them the truth, lie. Otherwise you risk putting asunder what God bond together,” says Mukabane.

He adds that most marriages are built on lies and secrets, which if revealed, would detonate concoctions that would give the FBI, CIA, and maybe, the NSIS sleepless nights at least for several decades.

Kawira Jane, 31, subscribes to the view that sometimes lies glue marriages together a great deal. She claims it is so, especially on bedroom matters. She proceeds to spill the beans by asserting that on the issue of sexual satisfaction or lack thereof, it is always good to keep mum and if one must speak about it, the golden rule is, lie!

“Nobody, especially men, want to be told they are doing bad at the junction, it’s not good for any partner’s morale.”

She adds that women not only lie but hide a lot from their husbands. Would you tell your husband that behind that flawless skin is a wrinkled face that, thanks to plastic surgery magic, is the way it is? And no, I would my husband doesn’t know my actual age, we don’t tell how old we are. “Revealing such secrets and saying the truth can be scandalous and even blow up the marriage. One is better off keeping their mouths shut.”

In-laws

Some things are better off left unsaid. In essence, keeping such dirty little details about yourself adds value and longevity to your marriage, interestingly, by subtraction. And if you must speak about them, know how to go about it by lying. For instance, it is always prudent to keep the truth to oneself even if you honestly think your in-laws and their friends could do better in a different planet.

It’s an open secret that most mothers-in-law hardly jell well with daughters-in-law and when majority are not pretending to be easy with each other, they simply tolerate one another. And there are, for instance, many unflattery things mothers-in-law say about their sons’ wives, which clever husbands never ever reveal to their spouses.

When nagged by wives to tell what their mothers feel or say about them, men simply lie. Basically, if all secrets were to be shared among spouses, in a bid to appear open and truthful, marriages will be non-existent.

Other than the usual mpango wa kandos, there are a few other things which if your partner ever told you, God knows you would only share the same roof at CJ Mutunga’s territory. Tales have been told of men who have second and third wives in other neigbourhoods or towns, yet their legitimate wives have no idea about.

Jones Nyambengere, 46, confesses of having sired a child with a woman in the far-flung town of Keroka, and he does send handouts and keeps in touch with the mother — something his wife in Nairobi, knows nothing about.

Absent wife

“I have a nine-year-old son I got with a girlfriend after an intimate encounter a couple of years back when I worked in Keroka. I befriended the child’s mother after I had been transferred to the area as a teacher, and had left my family back in my village in rural Kisii,” says Nyambegere.  He further proceeds to narrate how in the absence of his wife, he couldn’t, in his own words, ‘function properly’ and that the mother to his illegitimate son came in handy in helping him with household chores. He defends himself by singling out famous African men who, in his words, sow the wild oats whenever a chance comes up. Does anyone know who the American president is? They chose to keep them as secrets for the sake of peace and harmony in the family.

“Most men have children out of wedlock. Ask any honest man out there; this is real. Most women are, however,  full of jealousy and revealing such information to them will invite unnecessary questions and marriages might break up,” quips Nyambegere.

Wild oats

Whenever he goes visiting his Keroka son, he tells his wife his aged parents need a session with him, a lie that has worked since the son was born. If you thought this is a common secret that only men keep and lie about, you are mistaken. Women too, are familiar with the ‘wild oats’ business. Men are raising children they didn’t sire unknowingly. And yes, under the same roof. Unlike men whose skeletons fall off the closet upon their deaths as concubines crawl out of the wood work, as witnessed recently after Makueni senator Mutula Kilonzo’s death, women drag their lies and dirty secrets to the grave.

Perpetua Nyokabi, 54, confesses that her husband is raising a child that, to date, he has no idea is his. The baby is the consequence of an intimate relationship with an ‘old boyfriend’ with whom she is still in touch. A secret she says she is not ready to pour out. 

Some of these secrets are so wild that in-laws would declare the marriages null and void if they got wind of it. Nick Nyangweso, 37, confesses that certain members of his extended family in his rural home are suspected to be actively practicing witchcraft and sorcery. He claims he has never taken his wife of six years to his rural home, for fear of mouthy neighbours who might let the genie out of the bottle. “Where I come from, some of my distant relatives are rumoured to be involved in witchery and I fear taking my wife home, lest she gets wind of this damning revelation,” Nyangweso says. He reveals that, in fact, non of his two elder brothers is married. One of his brothers, who once attempted to jump the broom, is still single after his wife fled after being fed with all manner of stories by the homies.

Joyce Wandia, a socio-psychologist, advises that lying is necessitated by human survival instincts, and that some of the people who lie don’t do it intentionally, its an urge to survive and avoid suffering. “Human being s tend to lie due to myriad of reasons like avoiding to hurt the feelings of loved ones, to get what they want, to avoid scandalising things and inviting conflicts, avoid rejection among many other reasons.”

She further says that lying is necessitated by the human need of wanting to associate with others who they deem socially attractive but lack means getting their approval.

Okwach’s case is a bit different. He is a high school graduate who while masquerading as a university graduate met his wife — a college graduate, who he successfully seduced and later married. He claims his wife, for six years now, has never seen his CV nor ever knows his real level of academic achievement.

Peck him

“My wife doesn’t know that she is better educated than me. I dress well, speak fluent English and I’m relatively successful in business.”

Okwach believes his wife may never forgive him if he ever revealed that he has been living a lie, all along. “It is a secret I have to guard. Many times I have met old friends while in her company and introduced them as my former campus mates. He claims that even in the event he told her the truth, she will always look down upon him and hen peck him.

Bottom line is, at times, lying floats the marriage boat. However, truthfully speaking, telling lies is not a good thing. If you cant lie with confidence and consistently, you weren’t born a liar, tell the truth. And as the good old Book aptly put it, say the truth and the truth shall set you free. Unfortunately, the truth, at times, like in this particular case, might just free you, unceremoniously, from your marriage!