Congregation abandons pastor for being pious

By Mark Mutahi

Members of a city church have left in droves because their pastor is not worldly enough to their tastes, compared to other men and women of the cloth in rival churches.

Chief among the complaints was that their spiritual guardian, Pastor Joel, isn’t enterprising enough. And does not engage in income-generating activities like selling holy water, holy oils, and holy handkerchiefs.

Fake

“He doesn’t even have an M-Pesa line. That is so suspicious. He must be fake! Instead of using his preaching time to extort money from us, he concentrates on teaching biblical principles and inculcating morals and ethics,” one frustrated church member complained.

The defecting members of the city church are also not happy that Pastor Joel has failed to add grand and pompous titles to his name.

“We are tired of addressing him as ‘Pastor’. He should give us a break. I will not return unless he self-styles himself and adds a title like Bishop, Archbishop …

“I mean, by now he should be calling himself His Highness Doctor Cardinal Honourable Joel … or His Excellency Professor Pope Joel or something, you know!” complained another church member who is now on the way out.

Equally, irksome for the fleeing flock was that the pastor has not had a scandal in the history of his ministry.

“During his time, we have not had a church usher or choir member getting pregnant. What kind of a pastor goes about not blessing his flock with juicy stories to talk about? This is the most boring church I have been to,” posed another.

The decamping church members also complain that the pastor isn’t flamboyant.

 “When Congolese musicians dress more flashily than your pastor, then you know you have to find another church!” argued another member who is planning to bolt.

The defecting members also complain that the pastor uses most of the tithe to help the needy, instead of buying the latest SUV or a house in an upmarket neighbourhood. This, the deserting members complained, denied them an opportunity to be fleeced and exploited like in other a imagination and has so far not hired trained actors and actresses to fake miracles.

Acrobatics

The lack of wild gesticulations has also been a cause of disappointment for others, who had at one point contemplated buying the pastor a couple of designer handkerchiefs for wiping his brow. They had assumed he avoids running and jumping about to make a point during his sermon to avoid sweating.

“I have sort of come to expect acrobatics on stage by preachers as well as needless shouting… in fact, I don’t feel I have been to church unless my ears are aching!” claimed another member who is planning to jump ship.

Anguish

What, however, seemed to have broken the camel’s back was the congregation realising that the pastor had a big weakness of preaching water and drinking water.

“It must cause his parents and relatives lots of anguish to know that their son is in such a position but totally lacking in some of the most important leadership qualities of our times — hypocrisy and double standards!” noted another fleeing member.