Parliamentary penury lengthens the skirt

By Grace Nakato

Parliamentarians are very broke chaps and they know the general public is even worse off. They have, therefore, resorted to various fundraising schemes to keep rabid creditors at bay.

Workshops are a great plan unless you come from a far away district. But things don’t always go well.

The MP for Moroto, a Northern District near Kenya, expected a Sh20,000 fuel refund for attending a workshop but only got Sh2,000. When her pleas fell on deaf ears, she grabbed the receipts and accountability from the organiser and is currently holding them ransom as she seeks redress.

Physics and Chemistry also came in handy when the Pader MP remembered that mercury deposits existed under an old bridge in his district. The digging was done at night but small town gossip alerted police who pounced on the culprits. The MP is now languishing in cell and missing many sittings and allowances. Poor chap.

This is when MPs hit upon the perfect plan: Tabling bills and seeking consultations with the constituents. Unfortunately, the trial run with the Gay Bill caused a ruckus and the ripples were felt all the way to the Vatican. It was shelved once it was deemed a threat to donor funding.

But they hit jackpot with the Mad — Marriage and Divorce — Bill with each receiving  Sh165,000 to ease movement for consultations. The nerve centre had now been found — family values! And police will be raking in millions now that the anti-pornography Bill will outlaw “provocative” clothing on women, censor film and television, and restrict personal Internet use.

What happens when you deny children sweets and other tasty treats? They throw tantrums right? We have been enjoying serving ample supplies of optical nutrition in all shapes, sizes and colours, and now the candy has been taken away.

The stress is being released in form of pockets of violence. For example the local chief who unleashed his pent up anger on a granny aged 67 for interrupting his baraza. He slapped the poor thing toothless. The matter is currently in court, but I doubt the Sh6,000 settlement she is to receive or the fine of Sh3,000 in lieu of a year in jail for the chief will restore her toothy grin.

There are also the residents of a tiny village in Northern Uganda who set upon a Village Health Team (VHT) with sticks for daring to criticise their sanitation because in African culture, we do not discuss toilet habits in public. These are simply part of the great circle of life.

The town-based volunteers were on a mission to distribute malaria drugs and sensitise the public on use of garbage pits and latrines. Things would have gone better had they included a couple of scantily clad females but alas, the Bill cannot allow.

HEMLINES

But before tabling the length of hemlines, our media needs a tune up. The number of tabloids on the street with headlines and pictures that need a PG X rating for violence, sex and language should be the first to go.

A PG rating should also be issued on all gossip channels, as some of the scenes are horrific, especially when delivered in mother tongue!