Mistresses protest leaders’ meagre pay

By Mark Mutahi

Mistresses and girlfriends (Mags) of various elected representatives have expressed their dissatisfaction with the move by Salaries and Remuneration Commission to cut the salaries of MPs and other elected state officers.

DARK FORCES

The Mags claimed that there is a deliberate ploy by certain dark forces in the country to claw back the gains they had made in leading luxurious lifestyles.

“The reforms we have made in ensuring the complete transformation of our lives are on the line. We now risk being taken back to the bad old days of not only working for a living, but also living within our means!” the Mags’ spokesperson claimed in a signed statement.

The Mags also expressed worry that the gains made towards eliminating wide income disparities risk being eroded following the actions of the SRC.

They then individually went on to outline the horrors that they will be exposed to in the future, now that they will have to tighten their belts. One of them broke down over the fact that the shopping trips to Dubai and London will be no more. Another Mag  was worried that she might be forced by the new circumstances to change residences.

“The thought of having to move from an upper high end neighbourhood to an upper middle class neighbourhood makes my stomach turn. What did I ever do to the Kenyan taxpayer to deserve this?” she wailed.

Another prophesied doom because it might now mean she won‘t be able to afford three house helps and might have to do with just one.

“This is ridiculous. Honestly, I don’t see how I can manage with one house help. I even used to have one just for my personal grooming, but now it will mean I be applying make-up by myself. Gosh, Kenyan taxpayers can be so mean!” she fumed.

Some of the Mags also expressed worry that they would be forced to spend fewer holidays abroad, and instead turn to domestic destinations.

“Have you been to the Kenyan coast during Easter or Christmas? And that’s where you want me to be going for holidays? Get real! There is only so much crap I can take from you penny-pinching Kenyan taxpayers!” she hissed.

TAXPAYERS

The Mags unanimously implored the Kenyan taxpayers to stop being mean and miserly, and allow them enjoy their birthright.

“The long-suffering Kenyan taxpayer needs to put themselves in our imported Italian leather shoes, in order to realise how hard it is to let go of the lifestyles we are used to. They must look inside their hearts, re-examine their consciences, summon their sense of humanity and ensure they make the necessary sacrifices to afford us the sort of lifestyle they will never have, but only dream of!” their spokesperson thundered.

The Mags were addressing a press conference arranged by the poolside of a five-star beach hotel. Journalists present were not given a chance to ask questions. Engaging in such would have led to most of the Mags getting late for the massages, sauna and spa treatments and other beauty proced