Jesus died, so we drunk ourselves senseless

By GRACE NAKATO

Easter in Kampala means all roads lead to the beach. You are probably thinking of powdery white sand and blue water with waves gently crashing on the shores. If you are lucky, you may get pale green water, a calm lake and coarse sand.

Proximity and accessibility to town means you can expect to “Go Green”, the UG way with dark green thick water. Revellers prefer to swim in the natural waters even when there is a swimming pool on the premises.

Immunity

Did you say Bilharzia? We believe swimming in waters with a liberal dash of sewage and industrial waste or the thick covering of algae builds immunity to such diseases.

Apart from the usual bloodshed featuring domestic animals, there were also the usual cases of domestic warfare. One woman lost her legs for repeatedly going ‘dancing’ with her neighbour. Her husband had married a second wife and she figured what’s good for the gander is good for the goose.

The first time he caught them walking out of a bush giggling and canoodling, their legs were faster and he did not manage to mete out instant justice.

This Easter, he was on his guard and threw a literal spanner in the works. He hit the man’s head as they ran, causing the woman to trip, and then he literally broke her legs in a bid to keep her at home. The couple is now in court ironing out their differences.

And not unexpectedly, the Marriage and Divorce Bill is dead in the water. The clergy say the marriage and divorce bill is not biblical, as the premise of divorce cannot be allowed when entering into a holy union. The women do not want bride price removed as it shows lack of respect for the parents, never mind majority were “stolen” anyway.

 Pedestal

The men do not understand why they should buy a cow, when there is a ready and constant supply of milk from a variety of cows. The children and widows’ rights are the babies that have been thrown out with the bath water.

The merry makers continued to do us proud, and we remain numero uno as the drinking champs of Africa despite spirited efforts by Kenyans to topple us off this lofty pedestal.

You see, police need a stiff drink to enable them understand mathematics. If drunk driving causes ten per cent of accidents, then the other 90 per cent who crush without an alcoholic excuse should be investigated.

revenues

How does the government expect to meet its revenues without the taxes garnered from the sale of alcoholic beverages anyway?

The chief brewers and sellers are excellent planners and implementers. Having seen that the alcometers may evaporate the killer sales expected this season. They invested about Sh330,000 in ensuring revelers were dropped home in vans or cabs according to residential area from the CBD.

This of course, meant that there was more money to spend and more revelers to serve. Will this be the modus operandi every weekend and can we hope for a reduction in traffic jams on Friday as we shall all leave our cars at home?

Only, hic, God knows.