Balance of power is critical for a healthy relationship

Balance of power is critical for a healthy relationship (Photo: iStock)

Conflicts and fights are inevitable in relationships. I like the “homes are smoke” Gikuyu proverb. Wherever people are, there has to be fire and it burns with sparks.

So, why do couples fight?

Belgian relationship therapist Esther Perel says that couples fight for power, trust and value. These express themselves as a fight for control, closeness and respect or recognition.  All conflicts in relationships stem from these three areas.

Conflict mapping helps to identify the root cause of a fight so as to determine the patterns of conflict. Mapping takes into account the fact that fights are not out of a single reason or fault. Relationships are like dancing; conflict comes when one party misses a step or steps on their partner’s foot. This single act of omission or commission can trigger reactions and counter reactions that portray a simple conflict as complex.

If power is the point of conflict, then one party feels that they don’t have a fair role in the decision-making or their perspective and opinions are not taken into consideration. Fighting for trust is when one party is looking for assurance that they can rely on their partner. When it comes to value, they are fighting to be respected and recognised for their contributions.

The big fight is always for power and this tends to be at the centre of a man’s heart.

In every relationship there is always one party who has more influence and control over the other. As much as it has its root in personality and character, someone can have power in one relationship and lose it in the next. There are many factors that determine the balance of power in relationships and marriage.

The party with more power in the balance tends to have options while the other party is scared of being dumped. The former believe they can get away with whatever they do. This is when power dynamics lead to abusive relationships. It results from the most powerful party in a relationships turning into a dictator. They want to run roughshod over the other demurer party.

I believe that successful couples are couples who have navigated the balance of power and settled on a healthy equilibrium. When the man feels subjugated, he will find a valve where he feels more powerful. The growth of independence in women has shifted the balance of power in marriages as well as relationships. Culture determines power dynamics, in some cultures women are the wielders of power while in many African cultures, the man is the centre.

Power is determined by whoever earns more money. Whoever makes more money takes the lead in making financial decisions, which means more control. Social and professional standing also determine who wields the power. However, this may lead to conflict if not well managed. This is where one party has a more influential career like politics or public administration even if it does not bring in more bacon.

The other is personality. Certain personalities, especially the extroverted types, tend to be domineering and may exert their influence even if other factors do not play to their advantage.

When power dynamics are balanced, the other two factors of trust and recognition fall into place. Trust is the basis of care and connection which leads to good sex. Trust makes the relationship safe to express ones fears and hopes.

Physical intimacy becomes fulfilling and enjoyable if the balance of power is healthy.

Any party can be vulnerable and initiate sexual intimacy so they will feel cared for. If the balance of power is skewed, one party will go about sex as a duty to the spouse or the institution.