After losing three babies, I was done with God and wanted to die

Sad woman sitting and contemplating something. (Courtesy)

Grace Nderitu is the founder of Baby Wow Wow shop, an idea that came after she lost her three children in consecutive conceptions. She talked to Jael Musumba on how her joy was short lived after every delivery and how her recovery came.

Tell us about yourself!

I am Grace Nderitu, a mother of five, three are in heaven while two are alive. My journey dates back to 2015 when I got married to my long time lover and later became expectant. I carried my pregnancy up to the expected date of delivery though I had complications in between. I sailed through and delivered a healthy bouncing baby boy whom I named Ethan.

My joy was, however, short lived after I was told by the doctor that the baby had some complications and needed urgent attention from a special doctor.

We were advised to transfer the baby to Kenyatta National Hospital (KNH) without delay for special attention and that is how I found myself in an ambulance rushing my baby to the referral hospital despite the bleeding.

What was the issue?

I was told that my baby had gastroschisis, a condition where a baby is born with their intestines outside of their body. So he needed urgent surgery, which could only be done at KNH.

How did it go?

The process went well, but after two weeks of hope, the baby left us.

How did losing your child affect you?

I didn’t expect such news. Two weeks was enough to give us hope. Sadly, despite the fight to save his life, he still died. This hit me so badly. But worse was to come!

I mourned him but due to the void I had, I conceived immediately. But again, the dark cloud struck. I lost the pregnancy at three months.

Not giving up, I gave myself a span of one year then I conceived for the third time. This time, I was very cautious. I followed so keenly on my baby’s growth. I even closed my business just to focus on my pregnancy.

Unfortunately, despite all the sacrifices, I still lost my baby and this time round I felt like I am done with God and mourning. I felt like I have buried enough.

What happened?

I gave birth to healthy baby. I even heard him cry, an indication that the baby was ok. But my placenta took a while before it came out so my baby had to be taken to a nursery. Nobody informed that my baby had developed any complication. I was sure everything was okay until when I requested to see my son.

After making several calls requesting for the baby, I just saw three people coming; a gynecologist, pediatrician and the chief nurse. The first thing that struck my mind was my baby was gone, so I attacked them before they could break the news.

They were all tongue tied. When they eventually told me my baby was no more, I was devastated. I was done with God. I didn’t even want to bury the baby.

Being in that denial, I requested to be given the body. I spent with my dead infant the entire night hoping that he would wake up. In the morning, I released him. It left me depressed and suicidal.

As we were planning for the burial, deep down, I was planning on how I would throw myself in a nearby river once I arrive home.

I was just tired of burying and I felt like, to avoid being hurt and disappointing my husband, the only solution was to leave the cruel world.

Early morning the following day, I went to the river, but the river didi not have enough water despite the heavy downpour the previous night. Minutes later, a drunk person came by and started hitting on me. I decided to abort the mission and went back.

Was your husband aware of what you were going through?

He was suspicious, but wasn’t sure of my plan. So when I went back, he tried to interrogate me but I didn’t say anything.

How did you move on?

We later travelled back to Nairobi. I used to lock myself in the house and cry the whole day. It took a friend’s effort who rescued me from my deep sorrows and encouraged me to start a mitumba business. I gave it a shot and that’s when my healing process started.  I met other young women who were going through the same situation as I was. Sharing our experiences was therapy to me.

Although it took me a while, I healed. I later founded Baby Wow Wow shop. It is not just a shop, but also a therapy corner for grieving mums. Currently, I have two daughters and I am thankful.